The I AM Dialogues
Copyright © 2008 - 2011 by Collapsing Duality
The I AM Dialogues
by Brendan & Paula



The I AM Dialogues began after I porformed an experimental meditation that involved me finding or journeying to, none other than, my higher self. When I found more than I could ever bargain for, Paula did the same and found more than we could have ever imagined. While there is much more to this story (that seems to be - well, becoming a short story or book) that I cannot share with you right now ,either because I am still writing it or haven't revised it enough to print here, I do plan on publishing it in the future. I wanted to remain loyal to our small but humble following here and thought that I should share this very important time in our lives as you share your own stories with us and the rest of the world. And, believe me, we are changing the world - all of us!

The I AM dialogues is, well, like the opening (which you are about to read) says it is: A multi dimensional painting that requires no artistic tools to create it with, because it is a work of art that only requires our intention to reconnect with our higher selves. When we do this, we bridge the gap that has seperated man from the I am for far too long. At its core, however, it is a dialogue and there will be real questions asked and real answers given - between me, my higher self and God - The IAM.

While I am the author of this article, I want to make it very clear that Paula was absolutely integral in the information we have been shown and been gifted in receiving. The information is not channeled - in other words, we sought it out! As spirit guide and spirit mother have told us before, "you hard heads, you are supposed to do it together," and alas, finally, we hear her. That is where this information is coming from. We have literally combined our meditational journeys and all the people, places and things we have seen, to create this article. We are making notes of what works and what doesn't work - especially in regards to the hands-on portions of this article. We are also keeping logs and making sketches as well as pastel paintings of all the people and places we see.

One other note before we begin - and I really mean this from my heart: What you are about to read (in its partiality) is so far beyond anything that I could have ever imagined a Twin Flame experience to be, that I feel like I am 4-wheeling it in back country of the spirit realm. What I am saying is this: I am like a reporter of sorts, I go out (in the field) and report the situation at hand, come back and then I write the story - if there is one that I feel is important to share. That's all we do - both Paula and I. And, as visitors to this web site, I would hope that you not take everything at face value and instead, question everything - go find out for yourselves. You have to see it to believe it. These are your paths - all unique - for you and you alone to go out or within, should I say, and claim. And, it begins by reconnecting with your higher selves, getting to know one another, holding a dialogue and even connecting. Please enjoy ;)


The I AM Dialogues
(an excerpt from)

Let me paint you a picture. Only, this picture will be like no other painting I have ever done, or we have ever seen before. No, this painting will be a fluid work of art that is forever changing to our every intention.  A multi-dimensional masterpiece of the self, the higher self and the, I AM. In the creation of this picture, there will be no oils or brushes for me to use – only my hand and a good intention with which I will render the all of creation. The bright blue sky will be my canvas, the overcast will be my stage, and my higher self will be the key in showing me the way. However, this painting must not be created by only me, you see. No, this masterpiece is one for you to take part in as well - an interactive work of art in which our every loving intent, our every dream and our every desire, casts a new brush stroke across the heavens. This is no ordinary painting. In fact - Heaven is nothing we can ever really capture on canvas or even poetically pronounce and heaven is what the scale will never weigh, ounce for ounce. No, to join in the creation of this masterpiece, we must go within and reconnect to our higher selves. By going within and reconnecting to our higher selves, we re-establish continuity with The I Am, thus fulfilling the Holy Trinity. For, when we become one with all, we may become acting participants in the living, breathing, ever-changing masterpiece of an artwork - that is God. Allow me...


Sitting Indian style, I close my eyes. With my left hand (my receiving hand) I reach to the skies.
Then, with my right hand over my heart, I build the energy that will bring the higher self to rise -

With rhythmic breaths, the energy begins to flow as I turn my palms upward, upon my knees.
Willing that energy first to my left hand and then to my right I bring it back as I rhythmically breathe

Next - I send that energy down to my left foot and then I do the same with the right
Then, with one sweeping motion, I bring it all back to my heart, just before this bird takes flight –

Because in order for the soul to take flight, we must quiet the mind before we can go aerial
Only then, are the conditions right for going inward to that which we know as the ethereal

That’s when I envision my non-physical self standing in front of a mirror – any mirror
For, in order to meet our higher selves we must look through the illusion, to see ourselves clearer

Our real selves -  higher selves, that God Spark from the all encompassing light of heaven’s sum
Thus, in looking through that mirror, I may be transported to that place, from which I am from



...and I see something. There is a structure. No,  there's more than that.

I see a city – a great big city with tall rectangular and geometrically shaped buildings. It’s certainly not like any other city I have ever seen – like the ones we all know that are built with brick and steel. I just know this. How I know, I can't be sure. However, I just know. No, this city is made of large stones of all shapes and sizes. Only, they are not stone at all because they seem to sort of illuminate in varying colors ranging from violet to gold, to red and to turquoise, simply by focusing my attention upon them. Yes, the stones are responsive to our every thought or intention. These structures remind me of those ice sculptures that artisans make in the wintertime where they use fancy lighting to illuminate them.

Suddenly, I am hit with a startling realization. “Oh, my God, they are alive – the whole city – the streets, the buildings, are literally, alive.”And, in the midst of this realization, I am wondering why there still seems to be no signs of life, human or otherwise – no people anywhere around.

I am now focusing my intention up into the air, I am noticing that the sun is out – only, it’s not like a typical sun in regards to the fact that I am getting the impression that this sun, never sets. No, this sun, when you look at it, you don’t just feel the warmth and see the light, no, this sun – it reaches out to you with showering sparks of love. In fact, I don’t think this is a sun at all – it is the I AM – GOD!

While I am wanting to go into this sun with all of its love and light I can’t help but think that the city itself reminds me of something very familiar. However, I just can’t place it. Was it in a book? No. Was it a place I visited in Europe or Africa? No. No, it’s not that either. What was it about this place that seems so eerily familiar?

Then, suddenly, I am beginning to make a correlation. “Is this my painting that I created when I was younger?”

This painting, it looks very similar to the one I made when I was 19 years old. How could this be? I had heard of the saying, “as it is above, so it is below,” (that is of course, this was indeed, the above,) but never had I thought that it could work in the reverse. Was it a fluke? Perhaps, when I created that painting, it was just me, remembering. Yet, the more I thought about it, the more the questions began bombarding me. It was too much to wonder – too much information. I could barely handle anything more.

Up ahead a ways, off in the distance, there is a building that has caught my eye. No, better yet, it seems to sort of call to me. I would say that I am going to stop for a moment to inspect these, living walls of a city that I never dreamed imaginable. I would say that I am going to walk to it, but my feet are not even touching the ground. I would say that I am going towards this building on my own free will, yet I know that I am being guided there. I can feel it. It’s as if I am in remote control.

This building, it is a very large building and the closer I get, it is beginning to remind me of the Kremlin in Russia because of the architecture of the tear drop shaped roof top – only, this building is easily twenty times the height and size – maybe more. Like the rest of the buildings that make up this amazing city – it too, is alive! And, the more I focus on it, the more it seems to come to life in brilliant colors of violet, gold and even pure white light.

Drifting along, I have now entered into an alleyway of sorts. Only, it’s not like an alley in one of our cities, No, this is much cleaner. Strange thing about it – there is still no sign of people. “Where is everyone?”

While walking or drifting through this alley, should I say, I am noticing that I am actually passing in between two other, very tall buildings. I am noticing the sides of these building are slightly different than the first buildings, which looked like illuminated ice sculptures. No, these buildings seem more plane or neutral in that respect. However, upon closer inspection, while focusing my intent, I am noticing that there are these rubies or emerald looking stones stuck in the walls. Only, they are much bigger in size – about the size of grapefruits (only geometrically shaped) and they are everywhere. And, when I focus in on any given one of these stones, they respond by lighting up in every color and shade of a rainbow. Even the ones that are around them, seem to respond as well.

I am getting closer now, to that building that seems to “call” to me. I am emerging from in between the two tall buildings now and I am entering into an area that is wide open. Looking ahead and up, that Kremlin shaped building is now towering over me. I am getting the feeling that this is the center of the city. I just know it. This building gives me the impression that very important things go on in there and I am headed right for it.

I do not see any doors to this building however, there does appear to be many, very large, arch shaped windows. I am picking up speed and the closer I get, the entire building - the walls, windows and the dome, all seem to be lighting up with this brilliant white light.

I can see nothing but white light now. Then, just when I should have slammed into the side of this building, this white light has embraced me. I am safe in this white light, completely immersed in its love.

Then, suddenly, just as quickly as it had overtaken me, it is gone. I am now standing in a very large, sort of oval shaped room with very high ceilings that do not complete. No, these ceilings arch upwards to a point and stop, leaving the rooftop open the heavens above. And through that opening, the light of the I Am is shining, sparkling, reaching out, ever so brilliantly.

Looking around, in the center of this large, oval shaped room, coming out of the floor, I am noticing a sort of fountain. Only, it’s not a fountain for water, it is a fountain for light. It seems to be about 50 feet in diameter, the structure or fountain bowl containing it, rises about 3 feet high off of the floor, and there is like this - sun, in the center of it. However, I can only see half of this ball of energy because the equator line of the sun (when visualized as a sphere) is flush with the lip of this fountain bowl that seems to be retaining it. And, it is the most dumbfounding, yet awe-inspiring thing I have ever seen – next to the walls of a city that are literally alive, of course!

I am still focusing on this sun – this ball of energy and as I do so, I am noticing that it is emitting showers or sparks of light that rather reminds me of fireworks that explode in the sky. And, there are millions of them that keep leaping and jumping out from the center of this sort of self contained sun.

Then, suddenly, just to the right of this “fountain of sun,” a figure has appeared from out of nowhere. It appears to be a man and he is staring directly at me. I am drifting over to where he is now and in my mind, just as I have been chanting since this meditation started, I am calling out for my higher self.

“I am willing, I am determined and I will not quit until I know the real me,” my physical self, declared, while holding my sight within the third eye. That’s when I realize I am moving again.

I am getting closer now, getting closer. “Oh, wow, it’s definitely a man!” I can see his face now and his vibe is emanating the masculine. I am now standing face to face with him. We are looking directly at one another.

That’s when I notice his eyes. “Oh my God, his eyes are so full of life.” Like the walls of this city, they pulse with life – they are in fact, alive! Yet, they are deeper still. I can see that around his pupils, there is a ring of red and around the ring there are splashes of every color imaginable and they seem to reach out for me from the deepest regions of his soul. I cannot stop looking into his eyes. I want to dive into them and stay there. It is home. On the one hand, I am mesmerized and on the other hand, I don’t know what to do next because I never thought that this was how it was going to go. There are no rules or guidelines for this sort of experience, if you know what I mean.

Neither one of us are moving an inch. I can only imagine what my expression looks like to him. However, judging from his expression, even though he has not said anything to me, he has a smirk that seems to say, “Congratulations, you found me!” However, come to think of it, I could not have thought of a more appropriate smirk to greet him with, if he was the one to come to find me. It’s just the way I would be, if I were in his shoes. Yet, the more I come to think of it, we are standing in each others shoes.

I AM Dialogues (Brendan's 2nd part) – Continued
Updated 4/27/2009

Whatever shoes we wore, this being was no doubt very powerful, yet very curious looking indeed. For I am looking at a being who is bald, stands about 5 foot 6 and is most certainly, “from out there.” His eyes have two pupils in each – one overlaying the other, which is set much further back and smaller. Around those eyes, are splashes of every color imaginable, simply radiating outward from the deepest depths of his soul. Their shape is rather almond like and sloping diagonally towards the top left and right corners giving him a rather, cat like appearance, yet, there is more. Around each eye there appears to be an insignia or some emblem that is not part of his skin that reminds me of something Egyptian and resembling something close to, but not exactly that of, the eye of RA.

Looking him over, I am noticing that his nose is probably half the size of my own. However, his mouth is pretty much the same in size, only he has a smirk that makes either side of his lips go upwards at each corner. He is also wearing a blue, one-piece set of coveralls that appear seamless and are fitted like spandex over his body. I can’t be too sure, but there appears to be two corners to something he is wearing down low, below his waist, that makes him look like he has wings. Was this a cape of some sort? I couldn’t be sure. All I could do was wonder.

Then,  in the middle of wondering, a thought comes to mind and I get the idea to reach both of my hands out to him, but I am hesitant for some reason. I’m just not too sure if this is what I am supposed to do when meeting my higher self.

Finally, I think of something to say. “What is your name,” I asked the being.

After a moment of nothing but two pairs of eyes locked in a gaze, I think to myself, “of course. He is telling me, but I cannot hear him as I have always had the audio problem when dealing with spirits. Then an idea comes to mind and I ask him to, “show me your name in written letters of plain English across my visual field.”

Adjusting third eye sight, I am now looking at a white overlay across my sights. And, sure enough, the letters start coming across the screen, scrolling horizontally, from right to left: P – R – O – T – I – L – I – U – S!

“Protilius,” I shouted! But no sooner than I said this, another set of letters followed suit: E – R – M’ – P – H – O – R – U – S.”

“Protilius Erm’Phorus,” I asked him?

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a burst of audio breaks through that almost knocks me out of my meditation. I have to re-focus, or I am a goner.

I can now hear him and he is telling me, although his lips are not moving. It is a tinny sound, rather high in pitch and he is saying, “Hello Brendan, I am Protilius Erm’Phorus.”

“Oh wow,” I said to myself in disbelief. “I can even talk to him.”

Then, another thought pops into my mind. Paula! The thought of Paula pops into my head.

“Of course, Paula, I wonder if I could find her higher self here, too,” I shouted.

Suddenly, no sooner than the thought of Paula and her beautiful self had popped into my mind, another being has appeared, seemingly from out of nowhere, just to the left of where we are standing. It is a woman and she is heading our way!

“Oh my Lord, she is equally as beautiful as she is powerful. This is somebody very important,” I said to myself. She reminds me of somebody, yes, she looks a lot like that deity I saw in my dream when I was 17 years old - the one where I went to heaven – the one that changed my life forever.

Suddenly, I am hit with an earth shaking realization, “Oh my God, it is the deity that I saw, who held me when I was 17 (some 20 years ago). But, the experience is proving to be too powerful and I can feel myself losing focus. Everything is fuzzy now.

The last thing I remember saying in that meditation was, “I am a goner.”

That’s when I find myself, eyes wide open, looking at the ceiling of my room.

“Dam it,” I shouted! “I broke session.”

The intensity of this beautiful being was so overpowering, yet uplifting, that it must have yanked me right back into the now. Rolling over onto my side I began to wonder, ‘is this deity actually Paula’s higher self? Better yet, if this deity is Paula, then that means our higher selves met first, over 20 years ago.

I could hardly wait to tell Paula about the experience when she arrived home. Looking at the clock, I realized she wouldn’t be home for another two hours. Hmmm, I thought. There is time. That’s when I decided to go back in for another look. And, maybe, just maybe, I would find my real higher self. Perhaps, I just found another being by accident.

Lying down on my bed, I closed my eyes; switched to third-eye mode and envisioned my spirit self - getting up and taking a walk over to the mirror. Just as I had done before, I began calling forth my higher self, while looking through that mirror and not at it. And…

…And I am back again – standing face to face with Protilius, the very same being I had found earlier.

Looking over to my left, I have noticed that the deity has spotted me and is quickly heading our way. Only this time, she is accompanied by two beings that are very much smaller and they appear to be her children. No, they don’t just appear to be children, they are children! And, they are hers.

I am noticing now, that Protilius has put his hands back out, in a motion that would indicate he is willing to join hands with me. However, I am still hesitant. I keep asking myself, what if this is not my real higher self. I had to be sure. Then, just as I am thinking this, the deity reaches out for my hands, takes them and places them in the hands of Protilius. As she did this, I am noticing the biggest, brightest, smile come across her face. She is jubilant about the fact that Protilius and I are now holding hands. Looking at Protilius, I notice that he too, is smiling.

Focusing my attention back at this woman – this deity who radiates with this golden light, I am noticing that she is at least a foot taller than I am, has long black hair, and something like a crystal or a gemstone attached to her forehead, where her third eye would be. It appears to be aquamarine in color and sparkles.

I am now looking at Protilus’ hands and I am noticing that his fingers are twice as long as mine are. That’s when I realize that there is something in the palm of his hand. I pull me hand away and I notice that he, too, has something attached to his hand – like a crystal or gemstone, and it is blue in color. I am flabbergasted and awestruck.

Then, as this woman – this deity, is basking in the moment, I begin to focus my attention on the children that stand by her side. They appear to be no more than 3 feet tall, are bald, have rather large heads, but their eyes – their eyes are what is completely blowing me away. When I look into their eyes, it’s as if I can see worlds upon worlds of life and consciousness.

That’s when I begin to hear a ringing from someplace. What the hell is that ringing. It’s getting louder and louder and I am losing my focus. They journey is slipping away. I wake up and the telephone is ringing.

Getting up from the bed, I say to myself, “Oh my God, I can’t wait to tell Paula about this.” Then, I think to myself, she’s gonna’ have to do this meditation to confirm that this deity that I saw, is her. Oh yeah, she’s gonna have to do this one.


The Ten, Their Totems and The Spire
by Paula & Brendan

This journey is the second one performed by Paula. In her first journey, she journeyed to that city where we are from and found a group of statues – 10 of them – and Idavathian was there to show her. In this journey, which she intended to be a meditation on her power animal, Paula once again ended up at the statues made of stilsil and the pyramid.

We were both lying down in bed, when the journey began. Paula had just finished her pre-meditation ritual of saging herself and the room. Then she would “intend” her body to become light and act as a receiver of information. I was actually reading a book and knew that Paula was up to something. She laid there with her eyes closed and arms out. She had just finished her ritual and the room was full of sage smoke. Then, all of a sudden, when she turned her palms upward, I knew something interesting was about to happen.


Paula:   “Oh my God!”
Brendan: “What is it,” I said and book marked the book I had been reading.
Paula: “Well, I intended to go see my power animal and now I am back at the statues made of stilsil.”
Brendan: Sitting up in bed, I reached for a pen and notebook and said, “Tell me what you see.”
Paula: “Well, I am standing sort of in the center and them – the statues, which are very tall, wrap around in semi-circle formation.”
Brendan: “Is the pyramid in site.”
Paula: “Yes, the pyramid is just behind them and it is massive.”
Brendan:  “How about the spire that you described in your last journey?”
Paula: “Let me see. I have to turn around. Yes. It is there.”
Brendan: “Can you describe it for me?”
Paula: “It is very tall and looks like the Washington Monument. Only, this spire shimmers with energy and is not as perfectly etched. This city within a city is circular and has multi levels. The center is wide open and this tall spire rises from the ground – up and is higher than the building I am in.”
Brendan: “Okay, let’s go back to the statues.”
Paula: “I’m there.”
Brendan: “The last time you were there, you found the name of your higher self which is Idavathian. Next to her, you said you saw my higher self. Walk up real close and see if you can read me the name that is engraved on it.”
Paula: “It says Protilius. Let me take a look at the one on Idavathian’s left.”
Brendan: “Okay. Good work. You just verified my higher self, name.”
Paula: “Get this - the name engraved on this one says, Parathius.”
Brendan: “Awesome! Now, describe for me if you will, what these statues look like?”
Paula: “Well, the males look just like you and the females, with the exception of Idavarion all have long black hair. Idavarion has no hair. The males have no hair as well.”
Brendan: “How tall are they?”
Paula: “Hard to say, since I am looking at statues but they seem to be representative of how our higher selves look. The males stand between 5 and 5 ½ feet tall and the females stand between 6 ½ to 7 feet tall. However, these statues have to be at least 30 feet tall. It’s hard to tell because there is no point of reference.”
Brendan: “Are they wearing what our higher selves usually wear?”
Paula: “Yes. The females have this tight blue, almost spandex like uniform and are dawning capes that come all the way down. The males are wearing similar outfits, only their capes only come down to the backs of their knees – much shorter.”
Brendan: “Nicely done. Good information.”
Paula: “Hold on for just a second. I want to take a walk around this pyramid.”
Brendan: “Okay.”
Paula: “I’m walking around this pyramid now and I see, off in the distance, another group of statues. I can see that there are ten of them, as well.”
Brendan: “Let me know when you’re there.”
After a few moments of silence, Paula begins again.
Paula: “I’m getting closer now. These are not the same beings. These statues look like – like some sort of animals. Very strange and kind of scary as well.”
Brendan: “Describe them as best as you can.”
Paula: “Brendan, these things are creepy. I don’t think I like this. Where your statue would stand, there is this beast of a creature unlike any creature seen on Earth. Its mouth is open and has all these teeth – many rows of them.”
Brendan: “Wow! What do you feel they represent?”
Paula: “I don’t know, our higher selves??? Brendan, I don’t want to stay here too long.”
Brendan: “Okay, let’s get you out of there. Why don’t we head back to where you started and see if we can find anyone else.”
Paula: “Good idea.”

A moment later, Paula is back at the statues, where she began the journey. I am journaling everything she sees and helping to guide her through the experience.

Brendan: “Okay, so you’re back at the statues. Remember when you turned around and could see the tall spire resembling the Washington Monument? I’d like you to go through the doorway in which you can see this spire, through. When you do, look around for life.”
Paula: “I already see some beings. Two males. They seem to be bartering. They don’t seem to care much about my being there. I am outside now and am walking down that ramp that I described to you in my last meditation. This ramp, spirals all the way around and gradually descends to the bottom or base where the spire rises up. All along this ramp there are doorways to large rooms – large arching doorways and there are beings in all of them.”
Brendan: “Can you tell me what they are doing in those rooms.”
Paula: “Well, I am at one doorway right now and there is a being sitting at a table.”
Brendan: “Go up to him and talk to him.”
Paula: “How do I talk to him?”
Brendan: “Just like you would strike up a conversation with anyone else. Simply go up to him and ask him some things. He’ll hear you.”
Paula: “Okay, here I go. I’m walking up to him and he has a pile of these crystals – more stilsil? They look like selenite crystals.”
Brendan: “What’s he doing with them?”
Paula: “He seems to be putting his hand up to them and illuminating. Do you know that palm chakra where the gemstones are on their hands? Well, he takes a single crystal with one hand, puts it up to the gemstone in his other, and sends light into it. Once the crystal stays lit, he puts it down in another pile.”
Brendan: “Does he see you yet?”
Paula: “He just turned around and smiled at me. He has that infamous Protilius smile.”
Brendan: “Ask him who you are?”
Paula: “Who am I? What is my name?”
The being: “You know who you are.”
Paula: “He’s laughing because he thinks it’s a silly question.”
Brendan: “Ask him again.”
The being: “You’re Idavathian.”
Paula: “He says I am Idavathian. Did you get that?”
Brendan: “Yes. Ask him how old he is.”
Paula: “How old are you?”
The being: “What’s old?”
Paula: “He’s laughing again. He looks like Protilius when he smiles in that mischievous way.”
Brendan: “Ask him where you can find Protilius.”
The being: Getting up, he takes Paula by the hand and says, “come with me.”
Paula: “Oh my God, Brendan. He’s touching me.”
Brendan: Okay, try and relax. I know this is an amazing experience. Tell me now, what’s he doing?
Paula: “He’s got me by the hand and he’s taking me somewhere. We’re going back outside and heading down the ramp.”
Brendan: “Hang in there. Don’t be scared. I’m right here. If it becomes too much, just open your eyes.”
Paula: “We’re now at the bottom of the ramp and – oh my God. I see the Ten beings represented in the statues. They are all laying down on tables.”
Brendan: “Are they positioned the same way as the statues?”
Paula:  “No. They are in a perfect circle. I guess this is how they operate. He’s taking me over to Protilius.”
Brendan: “What’s Protilius doing?”
Paula: “He’s just laying there with his eyes closed. The being – he is leaving now. This is so amazing, Brendan. I wish you could see this.”
Brendan: “This is an incredible experience, Paula. Great work!”
Paula: “Uh oh.”
Brendan: “What?”
Paula: “Protilius is getting up and coming over to me. You didn’t tell me Protilius’ skin shimmered with this crazy energy. He is amazing. Oh my God. He just picked me up and is carrying me over to Idavathian. Oh wow!”
Brendan: “What’s happening?”
Paula: “Brendan he just laid me down inside of Idavathian. WOW! I am literally laying inside of her as she is spread out on the table. This is so strange, yet it feels nice – peaceful.”
Protilius: “Congratulations! You found your way home.”
Paula: “Brendan, this is so amazing. Protilius just spoke to me. His voice sounds kind of strange, but I can hear him.”
Brendan: “What’s happening now?”
Paula: “Oh wow, we’re getting up. Idavathian and I – as one, are getting up. This is so cool. She just stepped back outside of me and is now standing next to Protilius. She smiled at me. We’re separate again.”
Brendan: “This is incredible stuff. I’ve never heard of such a thing. Ask him what they do while laying on those tables.”
Paula: “What are you doing while laying on those tables?”
Idavathian: “This is how we live our experience through you, as extensions. I wanted to live the journey you are making back to your home and experience it through your perspective. This is very important, what you have both just done.”

After Paula relayed that information to me, from Idavathian, I gave Paula the next question to ask.

Paula: “Brendan told me to ask you why you incarnate through us.”
Protilius: “We incarnate for the souls purpose of experience and to bring back life force. By incarnating into the physical realm, we grow. If you would like, Brendan, you can ask me direct as you are a physical extension of myself.”
Paula: “He just told me to tell you to ask him direct and that he can hear you because you are a physical extension of him.”
Brendan: "When Paula first arrived, tonight, she walked around the pyramid and found these statues of these beasts that appear very animal-like. What are these?"
Protilius: "On Earth, you might call such things, 'totems.' Here, these statues represent the other side of ourselves. While we are peaceful, sometimes there is a need to exercise this other side."
Brendan: “Okay. How about sex? Do you and Idavathian have sex?”
Protilius: “Of course we do. You and Paula have seen us both have sex in your dream state and will experience this firsthand, in the future.”
Brendan: “So, is this how you make children as well?”
Protilius: “No. We have sex to show each other our love and appreciation of one another. When we created our first eight children, we made them like this…”
Paula: “Oh my God, Brendan. They are getting ready to do something. They are standing side by side at arm’s length of one another. They just touched their palms together – where those gemstone chakras are.”
Brendan: “Tell me what you see.”
Paula: “Oh wow! They are showing me how they create children. They are literally creating a bubble between their hands and in that bubble of blue light, I can see a small child inside. The child looks like the ones I described to you in my first visit.”
Protilius: “Do you see how we create life? Well, just as easy as we create life, we can delete it.”
Paula: “That’s it. He closed his hand and the image of the child is gone – poof!”
Brendan: “Simply amazing! Protilius, here’s another question. Are we doing the right thing by sharing our stories on the internet with other people?”
Protilius: “It’s okay. However, most of the people will not believe you yet.”
Brendan: “Is this a common thing to do what we have just done? What I mean is: Have any other people connected with their higher selves the way we have just done, with you?”
Protilius: “It will become very common. Soon, there will be many. For now, it is just the two of you.”
Paula: “He’s telling me that we are royal and that we think we know ourselves, but we still don’t completely understand.”
Brendan: “What??? We know ourselves very well.” Suddenly, just as I said this, Protilius’ voice came in loud and clear.
Protilius: “If you know yourself so well, then why did you spend 2 days on the internet looking for a picture of me, when you knew there wouldn’t be one?”
Paula: Paula laughed. “Oh wow, he knew you were on the internet looking for him. Too funny.”
Protilius: “What are you laughing at,” he said to Paula. “You thought you were Pleaidian.”
Paula: “You’re right. We don’t know. That’s why we come here to you – for answers.”
Protilius: “We love you both – you are Royal. We will be here when you need us. This is enough for now. You’re little minds have absorbed enough.”
Paula: “That’s it. Everything just went black,” Paula said, opening her eyes to look at me. “Thanks Protilius. That was awfully abrupt.”
Brendan: Leaning over to Paula, I said, “Great Job,” and gave her a kiss.


Plastic Dreams
A journey, by Paula

A quick note: This is part 4 - 5 of Paula's Journey thus far. So, we are getting ahead just a bit but those other parts, we will be adding soon.

Outside in a forest of trees was a huge circular clearing.  In this clearing was a brilliant pink aura of light that had an appearance of water glistening in the sun.  The atmosphere around the clearing was brilliant blue and green hues of color mingling together.  The trees were gigantic and filled with various types of fruit.  The flowers amidst the trees were towering as high as the beings inside the inner clearing.

As my vision moved forward toward the pink aura in the middle of the clearing, I saw Brendan in the midst of the aura.  There were eight people surrounding him and the aura.  They weren’t the beings I saw laying in the circle, dreaming of experiences as before.  These beings were human.  Everyone was wearing a royal blue uniform type clothing, as Brendan described in earlier journal entries.  Each human wore a cape and the neck of the cape had these gold buttons on either side of the opening of the collar.  A golden chain attached to each button head, fastening the cloak/cape together.

Brendan smiled when I returned to look at him.  His eyes were a sparkling blue and his gaze was like I’ve seen it many times when we’re together.  Brendan then lifted his arm toward me and held out his hand.  Light radiated from his palm to me and he motioned for me to join him.  As I entered the circle the aura hugged our bodies and danced around us in a bizarre fashion moving in every direction at once.  Music began playing.  Later, I found the song on the internet.  It’s called Plastic Dreams by JayDee.  Hence the name of this latest journal entry.

Brendan and I joined left hands and as we did, the other humans also joined in holding hands.  Everyone began to elevate off the ground.  The eight humans were spinning around Brendan and I as we lifted to the top of the giant aura.  The others were slightly below us, spinning round like a merry-go-round at a fair.  We then lifted our right hands into the air toward the brilliant yellow-orange sky.  The music was still playing.

In unison I heard Protilius and Idavathian’s voices.  “Royal Spirit, One Creator, we show ourselves to you.  We are one with you and we are grateful for your gift of life.”  Just as these words were spoken a brilliant light appeared above Brendan and I.  The light was quite blinding to the human eye, but there was this feeling of complete bliss that filled all of us.  You could see the love the Ten of us have for one another.  You could literally see the love spilling out of every human and the Royal Spirit.  I could see a figure inside the light, but I couldn’t tell if this figure was male or female.  I could only tell by the voice that radiated out of the light was male in sound.  This voice was deep and vibrating and shook the forest as he spoke. This was the I AM and here is what I can remember, of what he said.

“My children, be at peace and know I will take care of you.  Things of your experience as you see it are dreams of only one existence.  Embrace your experiences and do not fear.  You are not alone.  My children, WE ARE ONE.  I love you, for you are part of me.”

Brendan and I looked around to see everyone, including ourselves, and we were glowing with the light from above us.  Beams of light were coming from the Royal Spirit and shined on us all.

Again he spoke.  “Small one, come to me.”  Suddenly, Spirit Mother appeared and started flying around the bright light and went inside.  As she did, the light that was there beamed even brighter for a few seconds.  As she came out of the light it shattered into a billion brilliant light sparks.  It reminded me of the Cincinnati WEBN fireworks.  Spirit mother then came spiraling down out of the bluish purple clouds and was laughing.

She came just above Brendan and I, and smiled her angelic smile and said.  “See, feel, taste, touch and smell every experience you have.  You need to experience everything you do with love.  Do not sway from this.  Don’t be bitter or hate.  This doesn’t serve you at all.  Have faith in the Oneness we have and The Royal Divine Spirit.  Trust yourselves for you only do what you feel is right.”  As she continued, she flew like a hummingbird in all different directions in the clearing.  She flew in between each human and was humming to the music that was playing.  As she did this she left a scattering trail of sparkling green symbols.  Some looked like triangles, stars, and rings of light.  Others were strange because they looked like odd shaped ovals, paint blotches, pyramids and scissors. (Brendan’s scissors he painted in his art, but only these were sparkling green).  She spoke again saying, “SHOW HER, Show Paula more.”

Each of us then took our right hands from the sky and placed them over our eyes as we still held hands with our partners.  The music became louder and the symbols were flying in every direction.  I was shocked to see what I saw next.  As we removed our hands from our eyes, we pulled off these plastic faces and threw them into the air.  They disappeared as they rose into the sky.  “Oh my, Brendan was Protilius and I was Idavathian.  The other eight humans were the eight beings from the statues/ and the round table which I will describe from other of these journey’s / visions.

Protilius and Idavathian spoke together.  “Love as one.  Love yourselves and love us for we are you..  No more fighting or becoming angry with your experience.  We want you to know our lives’ as we’ve known yours and that will come in time.  EXPERIENCE YOUR LIFE AS WE DO.  You shall experience ours too.  In time, all will be revealed and you will know, there is ONLY ONE.”

The Brilliant Blinding light appeared once again and the light beams touched all of us.  Spirit Mother again went into the light.  As she did, all ten of us were lilfted inside with her.  A flash occurred and poof….darkness.


The Trials of Rejection and The Ultimate Acceptance of Our Higher Selves
by Paula and Brendan

Part 1 -
As told by Paula

Let me do a small forward about the events that lead up to this latest journey.  I had been feeling sick from my surgery and not myself.  I had talked to Brendan on the phone the night before and we had a conversation about some of the things we’d been told about our future.  Some of this was very disturbing to me to say the least.  I was angry, not with Brendan but with what I heard.  You see, I’ve never been one to want to know when my death is, let alone anyone else’s.  It’s just something that’s been sacred as far as I’m concerned.  Even though the words death never were actually said.  I knew something was lingering in the air about it.  As I verbalized, “I would shake the heavens and earth and all would feel my wrath,” if Brendan was taken away from me prematurely.  I was pissed and said some nasty things about Idavathian being my higher self and how I hated what was happening.  I didn’t like being away from Brendan even through this surgery.  As far as I was concerned, all I wanted was to be with him and nothing was ever going to separate us again.  When I thought we’d be separated again in November…..well I’m only human, so I got severely agitated with this.  I was in tears for hours.

Finally, I calmed myself again.  I’d painted some pretty flowers I’d seen in a vision in watercolors and was going to go to sleep.  As I shut my eyes, I saw Idavathian. She reached to the top of her head and snatched me out from inside of her and screeched a high pitched sound.  I was thrown down to the ground.  I got up and shook my head and BANG, she kicked me right square in the chin.  Next, she grabbed me up and threw me down again.  BANG, she kicked me in the chest with her foot.  I didn’t know what was happening.  All I know is I had to open my eyes and get rid of this vision.  I did just that.  I opened my eyes and wondered to myself what just happened?

A few minutes later I closed my eyes again.  BANG, hit in the chin again as she kicked me.  I flew up into the air and I heard her scream.  I was completely amazed and baffled about what was going on.  I fell to the ground and she picked me up and her nails went through my chest.  I saw pieces of these odd shaped particles and symbols flying out of me.  I opened my eyes again.  DAMN!  What was happening?  I was the one that was pissed.

I shut my eyes again to only see the most frightening thing ever.  Idavathian shape shifted into this creature (her totem) I’d seen as a statue inside this room of many statues and a huge pyramid.  Ten of the statues were the beings Brendan has briefly described in his other journal entries.  A giant pyramid separated the other ten statues that were some kind of animal spirits or totems.  Idavathian screamed as she turned into this creature.  Her teeth were bared and I saw her coming down toward my head.  I opened my eyes and stayed awake for hours.

Spirit Mother came to me and I felt her presence holding my body as I lay there awake.  I was awake till 4 am that night till I finally drifted off to sleep and there were no visions of Idavathian kicking my rear-end or trying to bite my head off.

The next night as I lay in bed attempting to journey to Idavathian to find out what she was angry about I kept repeating these same words, “Talk to me Idavathian.  Let me know what I’ve done to provoke you into having this spiritual battle with me.”  After a long while with nothing happening, Spirit Mother appeared.  She began telling me Idavathian was upset by what I’d said the night before.  She said Idavathian wouldn’t come and talk to me unless I made a promise to be careful of my words and actions when I was upset.  This is the dialogue of this journey.

Spirit Mother:
“Paula, I know you’re confused.  She won’t come to you right now.  The reason is because you said some things that can cause a huge problem if you aren’t careful.  You can’t say you’ll take your wrath out on the heavens and the earth because you’re upset.  Those words can cause great damage in both your world and Idavathian’s as well.  Your words are very powerful and you need to realize this.  You know this is true.  There have been times in your life when you’ve said things and they’ve occurred.  Remember when you were in High School and you were angry with D’s boyfriend.  You yelled at him saying, “I hope you get hurt at the football game tonight you ass hole.”  He was injured that night and he almost lost his eye.  Your words were strong, mixed in with the feelings of complete anger.  You had everything to do with that occurrence.  Need I remind you of more events in your life where things have happened after you’ve given those words all your power to make them happen?”

“No.  You made your point.  Is that why Idavathian got mad?  I didn’t want to fight her back.  I felt like I was fighting with myself.  Even though I have a hard time conceptualizing she’s my higher self.”

Spirit Mother:
“She wasn’t angry with you.  She was just upset because you are careless sometimes.  You do not know the strength of your words, especially when you put that much feeling behind them.  You couldn’t be more wrong about you and Idavathian.  You two are very similar in many ways. You are an extension of her and she is an extension of you.  You both possess great powers and when you develop yours, you will be working in unison with her.  You’ll be doing her work here and she will learn from your experiences in the process.  There is more, too, but I’m not going to tell you about that now.  Let me ask you this.  Why do you continue to refuse to accept she is your higher self?  If you would open your eyes and your heart, you stubborn girl, you’d see the greatness of who you are.  Stop the nonsense and let it happen.  You Leo’s are too stubborn for words.  You and B, both need to quit fighting this and give in.  Everything will ultimately be taken care of.  You just have to trust it and believe in it.”

“I just thought we didn’t have much of anything in common.  She looks like an alien.  She stands around smiling and spreading her love.  She always uses telepathy to talk.  I want to hear her voice.  I want to know who she is.  I don’t understand her.  How are we alike?  It’s hard to think to myself I’m a mother of some kind of unknown race that no one has ever heard of.  Maybe it’s the Dogma I’m trying to shed too.  I don’t know.  This whole thing is confusing.  I need to know more.  I need to understand.  Help me!”

Sprirt Mother: 
“You opened your eyes to her last night didn’t you?” She laughs.  “You saw a side of her you weren’t expecting.  She wanted you to see that side of her.  Her strength is mighty and you will see her.  She showed you only some of her powers and you got to see another part of her.  You were surprised to say the least.  That’s one of the reasons I held you so long.  I knew you were afraid.  You need to know you’re not alone and I will help you when you need it.”

“Yes.  Why doesn’t she show me what I’m supposed to be doing or what she can do?”

Spirit Mother: 
“She does show you bits of things along the way as you grow in your own abilities.  She will show you many things, but first you need to talk to her.  Be sincere and let her know you’ll be careful with your words and actions.  Don’t you know you’re only hurting yourself when you are against Idavathian?  Same with B.  He can’t be fighting with Protilius, because when he does he’s only fighting himself.”

With those words, Spirit Mother vanished.  I began to try to journey Idavathian again.  I focused so hard to get a vision of her as I spoke. 

“I’m really sorry I upset you.  I was angry when Brendan was talking about preparing to leave. He feels as though something very big is going to happen and it got to me.  I shouldn’t have said those things, I just was hurt.  I really didn’t know it would cause you any problems.  I am truly sorry.  I just don’t want to lose Brendan.  He’s such a wonderful part of my life.  I can’t except he could go away prematurely.  Why November?  What was the point of even meeting him and knowing we have a dynamic spiritual purpose if he’s going to be yanked from my life, 5 ½ months later.  I can finally be with a man I’ve dreamed of all my life and then you want to take him?  He’s my twin flame, the only one for me in any existence.  What’s the purpose of all of this?  Why meet, suffer being apart, and be together for short periods until finally he’s gone?  I don’t get it.  What could I possibly learn from this?  I don’t understand.  Please talk to me.  I’m sorry.  I can’t lose him Idavathian.  You of all should know this.  I will die without him and I’m not ready to go…even if you believe I am.  Please I beg of you don’t take him.  Give us a chance to grow old and experience some joy in this life.  Give us the chance to teach our children about the real meaning of life and love.”  Tears were rolling from my eyes.  “Let us provide our children with enough resources’ to be able to take care of themselves.  Those four children have been through so much.  Help us make it right for them.  I will gladly do whatever I’m supposed to do, but please give us a chance to be together and show our children what real love is about.”

I was sobbing.  I was beginning to think Idavathian would not come.  Just as that thought entered my mind the voice spoke softly and her face began to appear out of the darkness.

“Paula, dear child.  Everything is going to be just as it’s meant to be.  You don’t have to worry.”  She smiled at me and spoke again.  “Brendan is not being taken away from you.  He’s not dying in November. I know you don’t understand much about what’s happening, but you will.  You and Brendan are finding out many things right now.  Your children will be taken care of.  You are also learning about your abilities now.  You are on the right path to finding out what they are.  You are already learning you are a great seer of many things.  You are able to communicate with your mind.  You can travel without taking your physical body with you.  You are growing and developing.  I will guide you through this.  It will take time and patience.  The collapse of your former life has helped you to evolve.  You’ve made it through those times and Brendan was helping you.  B will also be there to help you develop your abilities because he has an inner knowledge that you need to listen to.  He is also a seer and many other things.  He will also be growing with you, himself.  He will keep you on the right path and teach you along the way.  You learned how to connect with each other in the beginning. You also learned how to connect with us, because of him.  As you are developing your abilities he will be guiding you.  For you and Brendan, this will take several more years here.  You both will use your telepathy as well as other methods to communicate with the others.

“The others?  Do you mean the other eight beings?”

“Them and more.  I will tell you more about that in a few minutes.  Listen, you need to know you have many friends that have been brought to you too.  They have also been put in place to lead you through this.  They are here to help you develop your abilities too.  They’ve been placed before you all your life.  They’re where you are now and also near your home with Brendan.  Listen to them.  Follow their direction.  If you’re not supposed to be lead in a particular way you will know it by the feeling you get inside.  You will feel an electrical shock in your bones and it will momentarily hurt.  This will be your sign that it’s not truth or not the direction you are supposed to go.”

“Are there other things I should know now?  What’s going to happen in November then?  It’s still not clear to me.  Can you explain and help me to fully understand?”

“In the eleventh month there will be a rebirthing of you both.  In marriage you will be joined even closer than you are now.  You will realize new things about yourselves and so will others.  You will know there is no separation between you after that point. The only way you could separate after this is if you were to will it so from your own hearts.  Not even death can separate you after the 11th month, 11th day of 2009.  You will not part forever more in your souls.  Both of you will stand out and shine your light on others.  Your love will reach so many others in a new way. 

“What is our purpose?”

“You cannot learn everything about your purpose, or all your powers at once, beautiful one.  Your human mind cannot comprehend it that fast.  If you were to know everything all at once, you would go insane.  That’s not our purpose and we won’t let that happen.  There is no time to start over again. The time of the old world, is coming to an end.  This is the life you’ll fulfill here on earth and you will all join for the final time here.  After this joining on Earth, you will all ascend for the grand reunion.  When that time comes, you and Brendan will have brought the chosen ones together on earth and this will be the time you will take on your new forms, never to return to Earth again.  You have a great quest ahead of you, because you have to gather many, to the “light congregation.”  It’s not just the eight children Protilius and I made in harmony, but thousands.  It will be up to the ten of you to begin this process and find them.  All the other children are here with the ten of us, getting ready for your return.” 

I then saw a vision of Protilius and Idavathian making a being with their jeweled hands as light shifted between the two.  A creation was born.  Next, I saw Idavathian resurrecting another being by herself.  I also saw at the same time Idavarian and Porathius creating a being as well as Invatharion resurrection a being alone

“Protilius and I, are all to every being.  We are Father/mother, brother/sister, and lover.  You know what I’m saying as you also feel all these things with your one true soul here on earth, which is Brendan.  You’ve both talked about this many times before.  This is no coincidence.   You will see all your powers within me as you grow.  I will show you what to do in time.  Trust in me.  Trust in yourself.”
Idavathian then smiled and disappeared in the darkness just as Protilius appeared.

Part 2
As told by Brendan -

About a month or so, (April of 09) Paula and I went through a period where nothing was making any sense. She was sick and had to have surgery, our material lives were falling apart and worse – she had to go have surgery out in Ohio, which meant we would be separated for a month. I wanted to be there with her, but I had just started a new job. When Paula and I are separated, we feel like it is death. We have talked about this separation before, in our articles. Many other Twin Flames have talked about this as well. It was a very hard time, indeed. And even though we didn’t mention it, or rather get into it in any great detail in our web journal, we were hurting badly.

Another thing that began during this period is this intense feeling within myself that something big was coming. That something big that I was feeling, was to occur in November of 2009. In meditation, as I tapped into this scary feeling within my soul, I began to get even more frightened because I could tell that I was being blocked from seeing exactly what. I tried and tried but could come up with nothing but that feeling that something BIG was going to happen. Well, if I knew then, what I know now, I wouldn’t have done what I did and that was to go to Protilius himself and reject him outright, in front of Idavathian. If I knew that this deep intense feeling in my soul was only a rebirth, as we have recently discovered, then I would have been more careful. It began just after Paula left for Ohio to have her surgery. It was nighttime and I was feeling lost, beaten and angry with myself for not being able to heal Paula. What is more, the financial hardships were causing great pain in all of our families and in fact, still are.

I had decided that I had had enough of this higher self crap and that I was going to set the record straight on a thing or two. What was that thing or two? That I was going to journey to Protilius and tell them that we were through with them and maybe even try him out to see what he has in his bag of tricks. The following is what transpired –

While laying in bed, I shut my eyes and with ease I found myself standing before Protilius.

“Protilius,” I said to him, “I am through with you. Paula has gone away to have surgery and I don’t know when she’ll be back or if she’ll be back because of the seriousness. In the meantime, my former wife and living angel, along with our children we created are suffering because of these unexplainable hardships – both financial and health wise. I believe it is time that we cut our ties right here and now.”

“Brendan,” he said, trying to console me, “Paula will be back, trust me. Paula’s surgery is a necessary thing and in the end, you will both come out of this stronger than before.”

“I don’t care about being stronger anymore, Protilius. While Paula and I both know that you and Idavathian are behind us finally coming together, you have bent our souls to the breaking point once too many times. Now, now we have finally had enough. Paula feels like she’s dying without me, I feel like I’m dying without her. And, if we don’t have each other back, we will die and you know it.”

“As I said before, these things are necessary for you both. Give it time, it will all come to pass.”

“Well, I’m tired of waiting. We’re through with you both,” I shouted. Then I looked at Protilius, who was standing only a few feet away and with all the energy I could gather, I clenched my fist and swung at him.

An instant later I realized that I had missed and in fact had swung into the open air. Before I could realize what had happened, Protilius was behind me and he had his arms around me and behind my neck – in a sort of full nelson.

Realizing what had just happened I went deeper into my bag of tricks and remember some things that I learned from the psi-attacker days.

With Protilius and his arms locked around me, I closed my eyes and envisioned myself as water and just as I did, I splashed to the ground and Protilius was holding onto nothing but air.

While in the form of water, I then envisioned myself as an Octopuss and sprang up all around him with all of my tentacles and wrapped him up so tight that he couldn’t break free. I had him and he knew it.

That is when I saw the look on his face and what I saw hurt me so bad that I cannot describe it. However, the last time I saw a look like that was when I was about 8 years old. My older brother had gotten home late one night and my father was waiting up for him - angry. Well, there was a commotion and I got up from bed to see what was happening. As my father went to throttle my brother, my brother turned around and knocked him on his ass. I vaguely remember the look in my father’s eyes as he looked into mine, while laying on the floor. I realized that there was a shift in power on that night. When you are a kid you look up to your father as All Powerful and then suddenly, you realize he is not and that he is only human. Well, this is the look I saw in Protilius’ eyes.

Then, in the midst of this realization, while holding Protilius in this lock position, Idavathian came out of nowhere. She was crying and in hysterics. She was pleading for me to let him go.

In seeing the look on Protilius’ face and now Idavathian’s, I was doubly hurt by what I had done. I will never forget the look on Idavathian’s face. She was so hurt by what I had done. Even as I write about this, it bothers me.

I knew I screwed up badly. However, I had to somehow fix the situation?

Realizing this, I released Protilius from my grip and returned to my former self. As he walked away to go stand next to Idavathian, who was still crying, I was shocked at what had just transpired. I could only imagine what may come next.

Suddenly, he turned and looked my way. Then, he put his hand out, fingers spread wide apart – as if he were going to shoot a lightning bolt out of his palm, and closed his hand with much intent.

Then, as he clenched his fist, these green symbols, the same ones Paula described, began streaming out of me.

I looked down at my chest and sure enough, all of these green symbols in the thousands if not millions were flying out of me.

Realizing what he was doing, and how I had no control over it, I pulled the plug on the whole journey and opened my eyes. I figured that if he was going to disarm me, then why should he get any pleasure in that, while so many people are in pain. I went to sleep that night and nothing else transpired.

The next morning I woke up, I felt as if I had no pulse. At work I could feel the sadness that Protilius had for me and what had transpired the night before. The heavens were indeed shaken! Shaken, is the only way I can describe it, because it went down into my soul. I knew there were tears on that day, even though I didn’t see them. I knew Protilius was deeply hurt, even though I had to work and with no time to journey, I could only imagine. I even called Paula on the phone and expressed to her what sadness I felt from the heavens and how I had done so wrong.

As the afternoon progressed I began to speak to Protilius, even while I was working. I told him how sorry I was for what I had done and that I would never do it again. However, that wasn’t enough. Throughout the rest of the day, I felt despair unlike any I have ever felt. I had to wear my shades that day because I would find myself – my eyes, welling up with tears. That’s when I decided I would make amends and attempt to undo, what I had just done.

That night, I began my meditation with, “Protilius, Idavathian, I apologize for what I have done. Without you, I would not know the love of my life, who is Paula. And, while we are extensions of you I had no right to do what I did because you love us. I am sorry.”

While I was in this prayer, with my eyes closed in the middle of the dark, I reached my hands up into the air above me as if to grope for something I could not see. Suddenly, a man appeared and he was made of pure white light. He had a long white beard and he reached down from the sky and held my hands. He didn't say anything - he didn't have to. He was only meant to be experienced. He was pure love. He was pure light. He was God - The I AM.


The Pyramid and 11/11/2009
By Brendan

In one of Paula’s earlier journeys to our higher selves and Spirit Mother, she found the statues that represent The Ten. These statues are made of stilsil – a crystal-like material that shimmers and gives the impression, that it is literally, alive! And, it is alive – but, only with consciousness. These statues stand representative of the two creators and their offspring – the eight. All Ten of these beings are incarnate at this time and they are here to represent and guide the human race back to the truth of their ancient lineage.

In this same journey to the statues, Paula noticed that behind these statues, there stood a great pyramid like the ones in Egypt – only, more polished. Just about a week ago, Paula was telling me how Protilius, Idavathian and Spirit Mother came to her on their own and told her to do exactly what Brendan is doing: which is seeking out the other 8, who are scattered across the globe. They also explained to Paula that even though, they – Protilius and Idavathian created the 8 with their love, these 8 beings have offspring of their own, who are also incarnate at this time – and so on, and so on, and so on…

Well, as Paula was telling me this, a whole flood of information came into me and I suddenly understood what the pyramid really represented and why the ancients had built one, as well. While this information came in (matter of moments), I began to tell Paula what I thought it really stood for. It was, as if I already knew, but had just forgotten until now – like déjà vu.

Anyway, today I journeyed to Protilius, Idavathian and Spirit Mother, with my thoughts and here is what transpired.

I found Protilius first. It seemed he had been expecting me, as he usually does. Standing to his side, but slightly behind and to the right, stood Idavathian – looking royal and beautiful as she always does. I already knew what my questions were and given the fact that they were answered so quickly, I think Protilius knew, as well.

“Hi Protilius, I wanted to say first, how thankful I am for you and Idavathian. I want you to know that during this period of soul integration, where you become me and I become you, that Paula and I love you more than ever.”

Protilius responded with a smile and said, “Brendan, we love you too. You are royal and you are only just beginning to remember where you are from. However, today, you come with questions. You may ask me, but I will only be giving you the answer to a question that you already know.”

“Thank you, Protilius. If I already know, then maybe you can simply provide me with a confirmation,“ I replied and immediately began to think of what my first question was.

“That is just fine,” he said. To the right of him, Idavathian beamed with love.

“Okay, first question: Lately I’ve had this sort of epiphany, after Paula told me about how you and Idavathian created the first 8. Then, those 8 beings went out and created 32 and so on, and so on and and so on. Well, I must admit, as soon as she said this it’s like everything made sense – especially that pyramid that stands behind our statues.”

“Tell me what you think it stands for,” he asked?”

“I think the meaning of the pyramid that stands behind the statues that represent the original Ten, is that it symbolizes our lineage. In other words, it is our family tree.”

“You are correct but that is not all it stands for,” he replied. “What else can you tell me about the pyramid?”

“Well, for one thing, this pyramid will not be built from the ground up. In fact, the pyramid that is being constructed now, is going to be built from the top – down; from the heavens to earth. In other words, with each new member of the 8 that we connect with, their offspring who are incarnate now, will turn around and do the same. Therefore, this pyramid that stands behind our statues is really a pyramid of souls and it symbolizes their coming back to the ancient lineage – which is that we are all from the stars.”

“Literally and figuratively, you are correct,” Protilius responded. “Remember, I am you and you are me. Your thoughts are mine and mine are now yours. Trust your intuition, as you call it, but just know that there is only truth. You may come to me whenever you like, but know that the period of soul integration is complete and access to universal truth is already yours.”

“Thank you Protilius,” I said to him and smiled. He smiled in return. Then, I walked over to where Idavathian stood and I hugged her. And in the middle of hugging her, I felt myself go airborne. She had literally thrown me up into the air and I exploded into millions of tiny energy particles. And, in each one of those showery particles, I could feel my consciousness, individually and collectively.

An instant later, I was back together as one and this time I went over to hug Protilius. After, he looked at me and said, “There is something else you have to ask me. What is it?”


“Well,” I began, “first a psychic friend of Paula’s, from Ohio, said (back in 2008) that we would be ONE on the eleventh day, of the eleventh month of November, 2009. Spirit Mother has said the same. Now, Paula told me, that you told her, that we would be married on the same date – 11/11/2009. I thought we were already married. So what does this date mean? And, I feel that there is something that you are not telling us. What is it that you are not telling us, Protilius?”

“It means that you will be married in Heaven, on this date,” he responded telepathically. “However, you already know this. But you want to know about that "something" that we thought you weren’t ready for, don’t you?”

“Yes, that is exactly what I am referring to. You told Paula that our lives would be completely different after that date. I think I know what it is, but I want you to tell me.”

“Brendan, the reason we didn’t tell you, is because your little minds can only absorb so much and we don’t want you to fail at this very important mission.”

“I think something is going to happen to us that will change the way we look. What is it, Protilius? What is it that you didn’t want to share with us, at this moment? I want to know, because I can handle it.”

Note: What Protilius told me, is so mind blowing that I am not going to finish this portion of The I Am Dialogues until I have Paula crosscheck the information. In order for her (Paula) to not be front loaded, I am simply going to ask her, to journey out and ask Protilius what he told me today in regards to 11/11/2009 - this is the only way I will believe what I was told. While the fact remains that all three of them, Protilius, Idavathian and Spirit Mother all confirmed to me what would happen to us physically, I will have patience and wait for Paula to crosscheck me for accuracy. Because, if what they say holds true, we (Paula and I) must start making preparations for this, immediately.

Updated on 5/24/2009

After receiving confirmation from Paula, which came about through a meditation she performed where Idavathian showed her what to expect, I am going finish the last portion of this article. However, before I do that, I am going to share the first miracle that carried through from the heavens above to my physical body, below.

While laying in bed during the meditation for the information contained in this article, at one point, I witnessed Idavathian start crying. She knelt down, one knee on the ground and put her hands over her face. I went over to try and comfort her and to find out what was wrong, but she wouldn't respond to me. It was as if she was trying to do something. What was that something? I would soon find out in a very profound way.

While laying in bed, with my eyes closed during this meditation, a drop of water or teardrop landed on my forehead. Well, this caused me to break meditation and I put my hand to my forehead and wiped it off. I was amazed because this was quite a drop of water. I got up and inspected the ceiling thinking there was a leak.  However, there are no pipes above the ceiling in the room. Anyway, I went back into meditation and still found Idavathian in the same position. Again, I attempted to go over to her but was stopped by Spirit Mother.

Spirit Mother said, "It's okay, B, she's crying for happiness because you have both accepted her as a part of your true selves."

Again, a teardrop fell and hit me on the forehead, which brought me back out of meditation. Again, I wiped it away and looked for a more logical explanation to this phenomenon, but I couldn't find one. I now rest my case and know what it meant and that is why I am writing about it, here.

So, what did Protilius, Idavathian and Spirit Mother say would happen on that day of 11/11/2009?

Protilius said, "You will be set aglow."

I asked, "what do you mean, set aglow? I will look different? Will I still be alive?"

Idavathian responded, "The both of you will be golden in color and this golden light of God will protect you both on your final mission."

I looked at Spirit Mother because I know my sister wouldn't pull any punches as to the question and asked, "Loey, is this true? Will we change in color? Will people notice this when we walk down the street?"

"It's true, B," she said. "Everyone! Wherever you go from that day forward, things will be completely different."

I looked at Protilius and asked, "how will this light help me. You say it will protect me, but from who or what?"

"While this light will signify your marriage made in Heaven, it will protect you while you fulfill your final mission. That final mission is: To find your 8 children who are from around the globe and to help them find theirs."

The following day, after asking Paula to see if she could verify what we would look like, after 11/11/2009, she went into meditation and was given the experience first hand, by Idavathian.

She met with Idavathian and immediately noticed that her skin had turned golden and this golden light radiated outward, all around her. She noticed that Idavathian's skin had done the same.


Putting the pieces of the puzzle of your life together, while on your way to – Total Recall

Throughout all of our lives we have been trying to piece together a puzzle, which was scattered across the floors, the day we were born into this world. Lifetime after lifetime we have managed to put a few more pieces of that puzzle together. However, it has been a hard path, fraught with many pitfalls. Trying to put the pieces of our life puzzle together while, trying to hold a job, being taught false belief systems and being pulled – both arms in either direction by a world in chaos has left us little time to complete ourselves. Now, we have the opportunity to complete that puzzle. How, you may ask? You can start going over your life, from your earliest childhood memory, to the last major thing that happened to you.

I would like you to reflect back on your life experiences and write down those things that were most important – especially those that were life changing. You need not bog yourself down with all of those materialistic things such as: the day you got your first car, or what political party you are affiliated with, nor, what college you graduated from. None of these things have any clout in the spirit realm. However, you may want to focus on those things that touched your soul and made you see the world in which you live, in a different, more enlightened perspective. And, consider each “big thing” that happened in your life, a piece of the puzzle, remembering that we each have our own to complete.

In an attempt to help you with your own, I am going to give you a partial list (to give you an idea) of those things that mattered most, touched me deepest and inevitably brought me to where I stand today – near completion of my own life puzzle. Not only will this exercise help you piece the bigger picture of YOU together, it will also help you regain some of your energy. The Shamans of Antiquity called this, their – Collection of Memorable Events. The mere act of writing all these important things down, is an exercise in freeing up space in your mind, thus freeing up more energy.

Here is a partial list of my own that I created:

My Collection of Memorable Events

Earliest childhood memory is not from this lifetime. A memory of a little girl in much older and more simpler times – this was Paula!

As a toddler - crying every night because I found this place (earth) so strange and cold – like I just didn’t belong here.

Realizing/discovering that the religion I was taught just didn’t add. The God I know, wouldn't nuke an ancient city - especially when their is so much room for spiritual growth - no matter how badly the inhabitants were acting towards one another.

Realizing, when I was a kid, that I was psychic and whenever my parents would have friends over for a party, they would always be asking me stupid questions like, “How can I make a million bucks?”

Seeking something that sort of called to me – a deep unexplainable yearning.

Seeing angels and aliens in my childhood.

Being called to heaven when I was 17 where I first met my Twin’s higher self.

My first, spontaneous, Kundalini Awakening.

Realizing that even though I was a slave under this political system, my spirit was free.

The first time I realized that I could travel out of body.

The loss of my sister.

The reunion of my divine compliment.

Creating a web site that could help people who find their twin flame and provide helpful answers that they seek.

Meeting and getting to know my higher self and remembering where I come from.

And most recently: discovering that I am a father to many children in heaven.

As you can see, I went all the way back to my first memories – this is where you should start. Then, once you have put all those important pieces to your life puzzle together, ask yourself what direction they are pointing you? What do you see in this big picture? Is the puzzle complete or incomplete? If so, what can you do to find the rest of those pieces? Did you dig deep enough in your past to recall, them all?

I hope that by sharing my own “collection of Memorable Events” with you, that you will get an idea on how you may put your own life puzzle back together again. While this is a partial list and only touches upon certain events, it contains what I consider to be, those things that gave me another perspective or another puzzle piece in the larger scheme of things. I want to be very clear that all of our paths are unique. How you put your puzzle back together again, in your path back to the one, will vary and may take some finesse at times. Where you stand in how far along you are at completing the puzzle, only matters to you and you alone. So think back over your lifetime, resurrect all those memories, dreams, visions, etc… that you thought were not so important, and write them down. Doing so, could bring you one step closer to finding your Twin Flame and/or reconnecting to your higher self.

to be continued...

be sure to keep reading - next experience up, is Paula's, which will be a two-pronged journey. First part is where she finds her higher self and sees the city where she comes from and the second is where the I Am Dialogues really begins.


Your life path pre-destined before incarnation:
A journey to meet your higher self

Whether you are aware of it or not, you chose your destiny. We all did, only, I am just discovering that now and reconnecting with my higher self, has enabled me to see, meet and begin to understand --- the REAL ME. However, some of us will come to this realization only after a meeting with their Twin Flame, while others may arrive here on quite another spiritual path. There is no “wrong” way about it. However, by reconnecting with your own higher self, seeing what you really look like and knowing your real name (not the one chosen for you by your parents) you may begin to remember your own pre-destined life path as it was initially outlined in the Heaven’s within.

Example: Let us say that you have found your Twin Flame. And, for example, he/she just so happens to be incarnate. You have experienced many of the cosmic sensations that Twin Flames so often describe and you have even come together to make a life with one another. After awhile, you begin to reflect upon your lives and how similar your paths, in which you chose, really are. Synchronicities abound, you begin to seek more answers. Then, one or both of you decide that you must find out more. You must dig deeper and this will require you to go within, because going within is the path you must take to meet your own true higher self, thus enabling you to remember – Your Life Path Pre-destined Before Incarnation.

I am going to give you my own personal meditation which enabled me to meet my own higher self, but before I do that, I must say that how we all arrive at this point, may tend to vary. For example, some of us may have already become acquainted with our higher selves while on a slightly different path, while others may have already seen their higher selves, either in a dream or vision. I, for one, saw my Twin Flames higher self, a long time ago when I was 17. She appeared to me in a dream and was the most beautiful deity I had ever seen. I literally thought I had died and gone to Heaven. Only, I was not able to connect those dots until after I had just recently reunited with my own higher self, thus enabling me to meet my Twin Flames own higher self. And, it was quite a reunion! So, as you can see, maybe you have already met your own higher self in a dream or vision. Perhaps you may have met your divine compliment’s higher self, as well. Chances are, there will be dots for you to connect going all the way back to childhood. Think back over the years and try to remember any important dreams or visions that stand out from the rest and you may be pleasantly surprised.

Another thing we should understand, before I guide you through a meditation in hopes of helping you and others reconnect with their own higher selves’ is how the higher self functions in relation to your physical self, here on Earth.

All along, from the time we incarnated here on Earth, our higher selves have been with us. They have been waiting, hoping, watching and praying for the possibility that one day, you may see through the grand illusion, that is life, and go within to reconnect with your own true self – your light body – your higher self. All along, you may have thought a prayer was just a prayer and that God would take care of it – hopefully. Well, since we are all children of God, including your higher self – it is actually your higher self along with your spirit guides in connection with the, I am Presence, who have been answering those prayers the best way they can. What I am saying is that, while you are a physical representation of your higher self, here on earth, your higher self can act independently (without your physical self being aware.) However, the higher self can also act in concert with your physical self – so as long the enlightened individual has gone within to reconnect for the common good. I know this to be true because Paula and I have experimented with the dynamics on how this works and verified each account.

Example - What I mean by the higher self, acting independently with one another would be the following: One day, while Paula was working, I made another connection to my higher self. The first try, I just decided to see what I looked like – which was amazing, enough. Anyway, I went into meditation, envisioned myself looking into a mirror and began willing my higher self to appear. A few moments later, I was standing before him. I wanted to reach out to him but I got lost in his eyes because when you look into them, it’s as if you can see worlds upon worlds. There were so many colors in the eyes, it would be impossible to even describe or paint. No sooner than I could reach out to touch his hands, Paula – her higher self, came out of nowhere, took my hands and then his hands and put them together. When she did this, she smiled this biggest smile and I could feel the love and jubilance radiate from her. Therefore, as you can see, even while Paula was unaware that this was happening, because she was working, her higher self helped me connect to my higher self. She has also found the same to be true with me. If I am busy with day-to-day routines, and she connects with her higher self, she has found my higher self, acting independently without my being aware of it. So far, this is how we have found that it works.

When we go within in an effort to reconnect with our higher selves, we are practicing spirituality the way it has always meant to be practiced. In addition, to reconnect with the higher self is to reconnect with the I am Presence. This is what re-establishes continuity between the Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost and by doing such; we become one with all. Furthermore, by reconnecting with your higher self, you may begin to recover you Life Path Pre-Destined before Incarnation.


Here is a guided meditation, based on the same one I used which enabled me to reconnect with my higher self.

Find some quiet time either in the middle of the day or before you go to sleep for meditation and close your eyes.

Clear your mind of everything that goes on in your lives, while concentrating on your breathing patterns. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Do this at least 3 times or more until you are completely relaxed. Adjust pattern on your own as needed.

As you begin to relax, gradually switch your vision over to third eye mode. If you are not familiar with this, picture a television screen that is on, but displaying nothing but a white screen.

Once you have made the switch to third eye mode or have the white television screen in your site (eyes closed) I want you to ask to meet your higher self and do so, without expectation. Do this as many times as needed and/or expand upon to your desire, until you pick up a flash of a picture. This flash picture may appear to be nothing and may come and go very quickly, so pay attention to that television screen. Once you see that flash picture, acknowledge it and will it back again.  Remember, you are acting like a television tuner, tuning into an over the air video signal or even a radio tuning into an audio signal. The only way to bring the picture clearer is to adjust the knob, or in our case, keep willing it back or calling the higher self, forth. It will come, but may take some time and getting used to.

The next time the picture flashes back on the screen, after calling forth your higher self, take a closer look and see who or what it is. Also, begin to hold that picture in your third eye sight as long as you can. Do not let that picture or image slip away. If the image slips away, begin again by calling forth your higher self. Again, ask to meet and/or see your higher self. Do so without any expectation. If you have an expectation about what you may look like in a light body, there is a chance that the image you see could be, corrupted.

Now, once you have the image of your higher self, up on the screen and can hold that image just by your desire and or intentions of “seeing,” your higher self, take a good luck at The Real You. This is who you were before incarnating on Earth. This is who you have always been.

Finally, after you have gotten a good look at your higher self, the rest is up to you. My responsibility is to simply put you in touch, if you haven’t done so already. However, if I were you, I would work on doing the following: First, if I were you, I would imagine myself taking a step into that television screen and walking right up to my higher self for a hug. Second, if I were you, I would ask as many questions that come to mind – and why wouldn’t you? And third, if you have met your Twin Flame either incarnate or not, get to know each other as light bodies and ask each other questions from that perspective because your higher self, really is that much higher in knowledge than you.  Oh, and one more thing, be sure that you take the guided tour of Heaven because I think you are really gonna like it - a lot!


Final notes on this meditation: this meditation was based on recent events that lead to both Paula and I, finding our higher selves. While we are both accustomed to utilizing our higher selves, neither of us had thought, up until now, to really take it to this next level of intimacy. Whether there are conditions in which a person may or may not find his/her own higher self, I cannot say. However, if you cannot find yourself in the first try, then try again and practice meditation if you do not already. Whatever you do, don’t give up. What works for us, may not work for you. Go within and find out for yourselves - it is there.

Also, the guidelines I have given you may be altered in any way you wish. For instance, if using the television screen as a medium to trick the daytime mind, use the image of a sandy beach or grassy plain. All that matters is that you meet the real you and once you do, get to know each other and that place called Heaven.

NEW - 10/1/2012 - Touched by God ~ by Brendan (Protilius) - HERE

4/9/2012 - Rites of The Heart by Protilius (Brendan) - Click Here

3/1/2011 - The Body, Blood and Bone of The Holy Grail - Click Here

6/21/2009 - The Ten, Their Totems and The Spire - by Paula and Brendan - Click Here

The Trials of Rejection and The Ultimate Acceptance of Our Higher Selves
5/24/2009 by Paula and Brendan - Click Here

5/24/2009 - The Pyramid and 11/11/2009 by Brendan - Click here
5/21/2009 -  Plastic Dreams by Paula - Click Here to Read.
4/28/2009 - The I AM Dialogues - the conclusion of Brendan's Journey - Click Here
4/28/2009 - Putting the pieces of your life together - TOTAL RECALL - Click Here