Collapsing Duality...Journal

To contact Brendan and Paula click:

The chat is back up and running. It's great to see (unlike a year ago) that people are actually coming and using it. That's what it's for: to connect, exchange ideas and even provide support where it is needed. Paula and I will still be popping on there from time to time. However, I find that with the busy schedule we both have, it takes away from my time to write about experiences in the spirit world and with my Twin Flame - Paula. I will still be popping in there from time to time but I am going to start refocusing on the experiences that I feel are really important and feel driven to share them with anybody who will listen or believe them.

The past 2 days for both Paula and I have been dark ones. I've been in some bottomless holes that I never even thought I'd end up in. This is because we have to come up with a plan so that our children are taken care of. The children OUR CHILDREN come first - even before Twin Flames. If we cannot make it right for them, then we will not be right as Twin Flames, divine compliments or Yin and Yang. 

Finding the answer as to how to make it right for our children has been the most difficult part of this relationship, yet. If we fail them, then we fail as well. There are many dynamics to this situation, yet it is not unlike situations that we all have to deal with everyday. We are paving a way which will enable Paula and I to live out our days together. In doing so, we have to make it right for our children so that they can be taken care of and be safe as well as our former spouses - which we never talk about on here, but are always in our hearts and minds.

THere is much to be said about the former spouses of somebody who finds themselves suddenly immersed in a Twin Flame Relationship. This is something that people do not want to talk about and if they do, they usually end up trying bury that person because of past follies. Well, Paula and I don't play that game. Never will. If you hurt your former spouse you also hurt your children. What's the sense in that? Besides, if you are one to try and bury or discredit your former spouse to help validate something you believe as a Twin Flame relationship, then you can be sure that it is not a Twin Flame relationship. God doesn't work way. In fact, God will let you play that game all over again - and again - and again - and again. Like the needle skipping on the record, such is the cylce of the myriad.

Anyway, back to those deep dark holes that I have found myself in. I do not wallow in self pity. I am the one to always try and make it right. And, I DO. Ask Paula ;) However, these past few days, I haven't been able to come up with the answer. In fact, I drove home from work today contemplating a new article which would be entitled, "How It Feels to Have Found Your Twin Flame and Then Have Her Taken Away from You."

Last night, Paula and I just layed in bed and stared at each other trying to come up with the answer, Because, in just a month and a half, she will have to go back to Ohio because there is no support for her children here. She works night shift, I work day shift and it just isn't working for her children. Last night, I couldn't even cry I was so blocked up. When Paula cried, I wiped her tears for her and kissed them away. I don't even think twice about that stuff. I still wished I could have cried because it always makes me feel better. Yeah, men do cry, ya know ;)

There is one thing that happened last night that made me think, while I was in this deep dark hole. It was something that Protilius said. He popped in for just a brief moment after I asked him in my mind, "what the hell do you want me to do. Do you want me to break?"

Protilius said this, and only this, "you're almost there."

Tonight, after the worst day of our relationship, I got my answer and I will never forget it as long as I live. I did indeed "break," but there is such a great return in what transpired this evening. I can't wait to share it. I will write this next - even before I finish the stages of spirit self.

What happened was BIG! I have never experienced anything like it, since I have been visiting our higher selves in The Plains.



Paula and I have some great conversation. We play off each others energy and bounce ideas/vibes back and forth off of one another. This is how we play.

Anyway, tonight, while we were sitting at our computers which are kitty corner in our master bedroom, I looked over and just simply observed Paula. I do this often because I enjoy watching her.

Sometimes, I just sit and watch her in her element. However, it's more than her element - it's her energy - her love - her self - incarnate and amazing!

So, as I was watching Paula (without her knowing), hehehehe I got up from my computer and went over to her. I knelt down on my knees, put my head in her lap, wrapped my arms around her and just breathed her in.

When I did this, she put her arms around me and started kissing and smelling my hair on my head.

Then, I looked up at her and saw her smiling down at me with that smile that I know so so so so wellll. Never forget it either - long as I live and beyond.

Here's what I said: "Don't you love it that I can hold you like a child and yet, love you like a man, just the same?

Paula said, (and her response was brilliant) Don't you love it that I can hold you like a Mother and give you my inner child while loving you like a woman?"



While the elite artist may be willing to risk his standing to appear ahead of his time, it is only the rare folk artist who strives for innovation. His replication is an affirmation of a tradition - Henry Glassie

I don't know who Henry Glassie is, but I read this somewhere in a book a long long time ago (1990 or so). Anyway, the words range true to me and I am posting them here :)

I just talked to Paula on the phone and she is making her way through Connecticut. She will be here in 4 to 5 hours (about 5PM EST) and we're both coming out of our skins for one another. I think if her car had wings, she would fly here :) It's only been 4 days. I can't imagine what it will be like when we have to be separated by 2 to 4 weeks. In fact, I ain't even going there right now.

Yesterday, the site received a Twin Flame story. It's really really good - and well written. I am so glad that Lorraine and Jeremy are sharing this one with us. Thank you so much, Lorraine. Stop by chat sometime if you can catch one of us.

Since I got out of work early (not by my choice) I will be using this time to start building the page for the new story and should have most of it up by this evening.

Yesterday, I finally managed to get the sketch right of Protilius. Paula and I have both been working on this for quite some time - trying to draw/paint Protilius. It's hard to capture either him or Idavathian because we simply don't know how to create all that energy that surrounds them. Anyway, I will be working on the sketch as well and posting what I have completed of it, sometime today. Even though he is in the sketch phase, I will be using watercolor to do the rest. It's been years since I've used water color. In the early 2000's I switched to acrylic and have been using it since. So, I'm kinda freaking out about using it because I finally got the sketch of him real close to his likeness and I will die if I screw it all up in the water color phase of this painting. All you artists out there will know what I mean ;-)

Anyway, everytime I work on the painting of Protilius I will what I have that is new as a kind of work in progress esperiment. You know what I mean? Kinda like with the whole Stages of Spirit Self article that I have been slacking at lately. I know, I gotta get hot on that because there is so much to share and so little time to do it.

There is also a new video on the Pyramids page. It's actually a brand new documentary. While it is cast with all the typical investigators looking for the solid - physical evidence of where mankind originated from, it still makes a lot of good points. Only problem is, the investigators are looking for something they can take a piece of home, so that they can put on their mantels - like a souvenir. I have a feeling they're gonna keep on searching :) 

Okay, I'm outta here. Lorraine, your story is coming right up.

updated 4PM

Click the pix below to enlarge and see how Protilius is coming along:



Well, the new chat room is off to good start. It is awfully hard to be on the same page when we're all in different time zones.

Paula will be leaving Ohio to come back home this evening. She should be back here sometime tomorrow. Wahooo!

So far we've held 2 chats. In the first one, Janet and Melody joined me. At one point, I was talking to Janet on one phone, Paula on the other and typing to Melody about the perfect state to be in for journeying to take place. It was all good and fun.

So, what is that perfect state for journeying to take place in? Well, in the early stages, when one is first getting the feel of it, you want to make like you are going to sleep. Only, just before you go into sleep state, you want to pull back just slightly and try and balance your awareness on that very fine line that is the inbetween state. It takes practice because it is literally like trying to walk across a balance beam. Keep focused because as soon as you look down the whole thing collapses and then you have to start again.

Everybody knows about that inbetween state. We experience it all the time. You know the one. The state where we are neither sleeping or awake and all these strange sights, sounds and even smells from time to time, come into play.

With practice, you will be able to stay on that balance beam and hold your awareness long enough to begin calling the shots yourself. When you reach that level, then you can begin journeying with intent and to wherever you want and see whoever you wish.

Then, with time, you will get so good at it that you won't even need to be in any state. You'll be able to journey with or without your eyes closed or even without tricking the daytime mind.

On another note: I journeyed yesterday and today. Yesterday, I journeyed to Protilius and Idavathian and found them surrounded by at least 20 children. One of them was Pamaraneus who I have mentioned before. He was created by Paula and myself. Protilius quickly pointed him out to me amongst all the other children.

The children up there are not unlike toddlers are here. They are tiny - very tiny, but do not act like toddlers do here. It's as if when they are created with pure light by the palm chakras of our higher selves, they are brought into the spirit world already fully knowing. Trust me, when you have a look into their eyes, you quickly realize that these are not just ordinary children. Their eyes speak volumes.

I held Pamaraneus. I actually picked him up and he did this funny little jerky type of motion in my hands. I quickly realized that he wanted me to put him down. It's the unexpected things like that, in journeying that I always appreciate.

Today I made another visit to Idagordava and Protharus. Sometimes when I journey I prefer to start with the higher selves of incarnate persons. Since Protharus was busy, Idagordava thought it would be better that I visit the extension of her own self, incarnate. Cool thing about it was that she took me straight to her whereabout. She guided me in and sure enough, I found her.

Idagordava did not stay long at all. She simply escorted me to where I needed to go and left. I quickly realized why she thought it would be better for me to meet with her incarnate self. As soon as I laid eyes on her, I could tell she had some things bothering her. Her mind was racing with thoughts and she didn't even hear me when I called out to her to get her attention. Instead, I had to massage her shoulders before she would even acknowledge my presence. When she finally did, she asked why I had not been been journeying to them both (Protharus included) when they were trying to journey to us. I told her that I had some set backs in journeying and was working my way through it all. I told her I was sorry and this seemed to alleviate some of her frustration.

This connection that is made, when you find people in your very own soul group is basically like finding more Twin Flames. The connection is instant, unbreakable and there is love. To walk away from it is like death. So, when there is any disruption with either your very own Twin Flame or any memebers of the soul family, it can hurt badly and this is what Idagordava was feeling.

One more thing: I've noticed that this site has recieved some form submission to certain Twin Flame stories. However, and for some reason, the comments are not coming up in the emails. 

In the future, going forth, if anybody would like to make a comment on a particular story, please email the comments to
and be sure to indicate which story you are commenting on.


“Reality is the interval between two thoughts.” Jiddu Krishnamurti


Yesterday, I put a new chat page on the site. Actually, it's not new. We've had a chat page before but we had to remove it because of some things that went down. So, we're going to try it again and see if it sticks this time. There are other alternatives I am thinking of as well: like a password protected page. However, I don't really want to do that either because it defeats the purpose of what we are trying to do.

Today, Paula took her children and are headed for Ohio to make sure they get enrolled in school. Her two children will be staying with her Mom until Paula gets back there in another two months or so - followed by me.
It was so so sad to see Lily and Kemper go. They asked me if I'd see them again and I told them that I would. "NO, I definitely will see you again." Paula will be back here later this week.

I was moved today by a message on the answering machine. I never check the answering machine, let alone answer the phone because it is always a telemarketer. Anyway, the thing was beeping and beeping and I finally hit play and it was from a friend of ours from another Twin Flame site that I frequented in the early days. Basically, our friend said that she had been reading the journal and was concerned for us both. And I don't blame you one bit :) I was concerned too.

I just want to say, "thank you 'J' thanks for calling in. We're going to be alright. Everybody knows that this Twin Flame Path can be hard as hell sometimes. Yet, I am determined to try and tell our story just as it is happening. Some of the things I share are very real and very painful. Trust me, we're living it. Then, some of the things we experience are heavenly. Paula and I represent the end path of our many soul incarnations on this planet.

Now, we've basically ended up in the Superbowl of Ascension where our Higher Selves are pushing us to be better than what we even realize. And, they do so in many ways, shapes and forms.

All we're doing here is living the experience and writing about where this amazing path will lead us. Things are heating up now and changing so fast that I know that this is no coincidence.

I did visit Protilius today. Idavathian was there and behind them both were the pyramids. It's interesting to note that when I am journeying either to my higher self or the incarnate self of somebody like Idagordava that I can always see them the clearest. However, when I focus on their surroundings, especially the objects in the distance, the less clear things tend to be.

Protilius is fine. I was there to ask him what he meant when he told Paula "the reason Brendan is having trouble journeying is because he has to find out something and only he knows the answer."

How cryptic right? I agree. So, anyway, I will be going back to the drawing board to figure this one out. 

In the meantime, enjoy the chat room. Stop by and leave messages if you wish or even chat :)



Relief is the only word I can use to describe what I feel right now. This has been one hell of a stretch. Paula and I finally got a good night sleep last night. We actuallly slept. Not like sleeping but a good nights sleep where you wake up and open your eyes and say, "Oh yeah, I needed that."

I have done a lot of research across the sites and blogs out there and many of them report the same things that we are reporting here. It's good to know that this latest wave of energy is passing. However, there will be more and they will become more intense until this rebirthing is complete.
This I know.

I can only imagine what the next ones will be like, because this last one damn near killed us. When I use that word "killed" I am being 100% straight up. This was the hardest wave of energy to hit us yet. Did you feel it? Many attribute it to the July eclipses. Protilius and Idavathian tell us it is because there is a war on in the spirit realm for the New Earth. Paula and I feel that both of these things are relevant.

On another note (a very 3D note) the kids were playing outside this evening (the 4 of them) and Molly our 3 year old fell down. She put her front teeth through her upper lip and got quite a goose egg on her forehead. Anyway, Paula and I have been trying to tell them for the past week that they should all get along and enjoy each other because Paula's kids have to go out to Ohio in just 2 weeks to start school. Anyway, all childhood bickering set aside, when we were treating Molly for her bumps and cuts, the other 3 - Eryn, Kemper and Lily came in and joined us on the bed. They were all genuinely concerned and all I can say is that it was a beautiful sight. We are indeed coming together as a family. It felt good and was great to see us all, gathered together because the littlest one got hurt. 

I have started writing Stage 2 of the latest article entitled: The Stages of Spirit Self. Check it out and check back as it is a work in progress. This is how I'm going to write this one. Read Here



“All fixed set patterns are incapable of adaptability or pliability. The truth is outside of all fixed patterns.” Bruce Lee



God I love that quote from Bruce Lee. I had to post it here because I am a huge fan of him. Grew up watching his movies in the 70's.

Here's what I say: Think outside of the box. When you see a pattern forming, this is a loop or a revolution. Recognize it and Break it! We need evolutions and not revolutions. For, if we engage in revolutions, we will keep ending up right back where we started from. What's the sense in that?


Anyway, 2 days ago, both Paula and I were able to re-establish contact with our higher selves, Protilius and Idavathian. Not to mention, Spirit Mother was there and she showed us the way.

As glad as we were to be able to talk to them again, there is still a lot of trouble on plains and it shows on their faces.

Paula and I decided to try something a little bit different in our journeys this time. Instead of going it alone, Paula sat indian style on the bed and I put my head on her lap. We agreed that I would try first to make contact. So, going into journey mode, I had all of Paula's energy flowing into me to help double energy. It worked!

They were glad to see me. I asked them many questions but was mainly just glad that I could journey again. One thing that was interesting to note was the fact that I could only see them and nothing else around them. 

Then, when Paula journeyed, she noticed the same thing. Why? Why were they blacking out their surrounding? Well, we think we know and it is because of all the destruction.

On one occasion Paula was able to pierce the wall of black that Idavathian had clouded her perceptions with. On that occasion, while Paula was asking Idavathian questions, she noticed an enormous bird like that of a Hawk crossed with a dragon. This bird or probably better yet - totem, that Paula described, swooped down in a very quick aerial maneuver and flew back up in the air. When Idavathian saw that Paula had seen it, she blacked everything out again.

We also learned that this moment of our lives is the most critical moment of all. And trust me, we know! Idavathian said that 11/11/2009 either means that we can rejoin our higher selves or stay here on Earth and continue doing our work. She did say that she wouldn't suggest going home just yet.

During this time - the past week or so, we've had much conversation over the fact that the only one who can seem to journey is, Idagordava. Why is this??? We've wondered and still don't know. However, she did come to us many times and told us to come visit Protharus because he was not doing so well. This is a long story but to make it short: Paula got a little uneasy one time when she found the Protharus (his incarnate self) in a pub. Anyway, he was very excited to see her and he knelt down on a city street in France and began kissing her feet in a generous display of worship. Anyway, Paula, still getting used to the fact that she is the mother to a pyramid of souls, sort of shut down because it became too much. Not realizing it, this affected Paul and he ended up losing his abilities to journey as well. Only until Idagordava came to us and told us that we should journey to him, did we realize. Anyway, Paula did just that and explained everything to him. She found him on a tread mill with his head phones on. When he realized what was up, he got off the tread mill and shut his eyes so that he could see her. She apologized and they made amends. All is well and he too can journey again.

This war that has taken place in that place we come from that our higher selves refer to as "the plains," has effected everyone we journey to with the exception of Idagordava.

There are people from other pyramids that we have lost contact with as well. However, until just yesterday the lines of communication with the spirit world are opening back up.

On another note: while Paula was journeying to Idavathian I had her ask who built the pyramids. Idavathian laughed and said that I already knew the answer. I asked her if she and Protilius built them and she said not just us... but many other soul families as well.

Many things are coming down the pike. It looks like Paula and I will be split for a short period of time - maybe 2 to 4 weeks while we re-locate to Ohio. The reasons are beyond our control. While being forced to work odd shifts in order to put the bread on the table, this has also created a child care situation that just isn't going to work at this point. So, sometime in the next 2 to 3 months, we'll all end up in Ohio.

If I had not already had enough things on my plate, Protilius told us that I had a nuisance (formerly known as psi-attacker) on my tail. He said that since I was in a weakened state, that he would take care of it. I told him that I didn't want him to do that and I would take care of it. He refused and said we should pick and choose our battles.

Last night he came to me and said I was in danger. He told me this while Paula and I were watching a movie. I asked him why he was telling me this now when I had alrady told him I'd take care of it. He didn't answer. I brushed it all off and continued with the movie.

I am well aware there is a nuisance on my tail. I've had the tell-tale dreams of insects crawling all over me (indicative of a psi-stalker). Every time I am stalked, I have these dreams. I am not scared or anything. I'll just wait til I get the energy to deal with him or wait til I he goes too far and then I will fly to him. The problem is intent. I have no intent right now and am journeying very poorly for many reasons. However, if he does any harm to Paula or our children, I will enter into his life like a high yield megaton ICBM.

I added several new vids to the main page, this page and The Pyramids page. Check em out!



Well, as you may have noticed, the index page reads 100 days til 11/11/2009 or the day Protilius and Idavathian become one entity and Paula and I are married in heaven - never to part again. Of course, these are the words of our higher selves and until that day/beyond, we'll just keep on doing what we're doing. At least, we will try :)

I haven't written on here in a few days because I have been unable. The same goes for Paula. Nothing has been the same since we wrote about what happened on the 7/30/2009 update. We still feel sore - every bone and muscle, we cannot get enough sleep and we are barely able to journey. When we do journey, it is a very weak connection. Whatever kind of battle happened in the spirit world, it really caused a lot of pain - and we feel it!!!

Many things are getting underway now. The rebirth has without a doubt begun. I don't like to put out the negative side of such a beautiful thing and Paula and I talk about it only in private, but to be quite honest, we feel like we are dying. We feel like we are half way out the door and we don't even have our coats on yet. How could this be, right? We have each other just like our higher selves have each other and yet, we have never felt this kind of pain before - either one of us. We love each other more and more everyday, our love re-creating and regenerating constantly but we also feel a whole lot of pain from this something that has started. 

This pain, we both feel and it is the same within each of us. We talk about it all the time. I describe it as: this thing or something in my belly and it makes me nauseous all the time - all day. It feels like my insides are about to fall out or even (and this is reaching really far - 'specially for a guy) having a baby. Impossible??? Maybe not. Idavathian did say in one of her last messages we were able to receive that both me and Paula would be giving birth and stated in these words, "men have baby's too."  However, that is just the physical aspect of the rebirth.

The mental aspect of the rebirth is just as painful a challenge as the physical. The both of us have these periods throughout any given day where our minds are just racing. To make matters worse, since we feel each others moods anyway, we can feel that racing in each other, no matter where we are. It is getting extremely difficult to function in a job that does not serve my higher purpose and I can feel the universe doing its best to pull me away from that. I know that it has to happen, but I just need to know the kids are going to be okay. The kids are the biggest part of why I am holding on. When we asked Idavathian about what's going to happen to our kids after 11/11, all she could say was, "your children are going to be taken care of." That in itself is enough to make a man go crazy. I know it weighs heavily on Paula's mind as well.

5 days ago, I said to Paula out of the clear blue while we were laying in bed, "Paula, do you realize we just crossed a threshold?" She asked me what I felt and I couldn't describe it, but all I knew was that, "it was on and it was on BIG TIME!" A lot of times I just say the first thing that comes to mind without even thinking about it - kind of like when I named the I Am Dialogues. The name of the article came before I even knew what it was about. In likeness, this new threshold we crossed is BIG and will effect everyone in varying ways. Has it not, already? Look around and see for yourself. You don't even have to look at another person or soul. Instead, look at everything all at once and see for yourself the new energy that has arrived. Then, after you acknowledge the energy, tap into it and find out things that you never would have been able to before.

The only message in either journey or channel mode that I was able to get from anyone yesterday, was from Protilius. He said, "In 4 days from now, the doors will be wide open. So, be careful what you wish for."

The reason he said this as Paula and I were talking together, was the fact that we were in so much pain that we were just trying to keep each other going. We wished it to end and we did so from a very human way of coming to an end means. We want to carry on, but the burden of what is going down is so great, it is just bringing us to our knees in every way. We spend hours in tears just trying to help each other on and it's all we can do for now. Our energy is wiped out and has made us incapable of journeying like we used to. 

The only thing we have left to count on is our love. I thank God every day for that because I know our love will never die. It cannot and will not - no matter what. If love can bring together Twin Flames, Soul Mates or whatever you want to call it, then we have to believe that even if this does kill us at the physical level - at the soul level we are indestructable!

As an end note to this journal entry, to help punctuate the trials and pains of rebirth, Paula and I learned yesterday that by no fault of our own, we are going to be separated again, in just 2 months time. I know this makes no sense. I cannot stop thinking about it. For some inexplicable reason, the universe wants to shape our souls into pretzels. Heck, they've bent us in more ways than Gumbi could ever bend. All this does now, is make me that much more defiant. 

In fact, if I could journey right now, (having learned what I just learned) you can count on me having some full contact sparring with Protilius. I suppose it's better that I cannot journey at this time.

Protilius and Idavathian: We love you, thank you and welcome you but we are tired. So, can we get on with this already???



Last night we finally learned what was going on and it actually had nothing to do with the rebirthing or the dismantling of the ego (like what I had written about on 7/29. Besides, this felt far worse.

We were so surprised to hear this because the only time we have felt this bad, was during the early days of this relationship where we were being tested.

Last night we talked to Spirit Mother, because Protilius and Idavathian were too busy rebuilding their cities and homes.

According to Spirit Mother, there was a major attack by members of another Pyramid. This pyramid attacked many of the others and destroyed mostly structure and life force. Several members of the 8 were injured. Some souls were lost. Idavathian and Protilius were okay, but exhausted from battling. 

The people of this corrupt pyramid, intend to destroy everything that is living, according to Spirit Mother. She said that the closer we get to the rebirthing of the New Earth, the more frequent these battles will become.

We asked why we couldn't connect with anybody over the past few days and Spirit Mother said that Protilius cut all connections with the people on Earth because of what it was doing to us. She said that if he did not order that the connections be cut, it could have severely harmed us - people on Earth.

Slowly, we are making sense out of all of this. Paula and I have never heard of anything like this for as long as we have been in contact with our higher selves.

Paula and I have felt this on a physical and soul level. We are literally sore - every muscle and bone. When we try and journey, we have no connection because the connection need to be restored.

We've been through some tough times before, but the pain and exhaustion we feel from Protilius and Idavathian, is indescribable. Paula described it as like: being run over by a truck.

Well, at least we know what was going on. We thought it was us all along. I guess it goes to show you, how little we really know about this stuff.

We journaled the entire dialogue between Spirit Mother and ourselves. One of these days, we'll get it out there.



I'm going to make this short and brief until we find out exactly what happened in that realm we come from.

For the past 36 to 48 hours both Paula and I have basically been blocked by our higher selves from journeying to them. The only image I can see is that of Idavathian - and she looks very distraught.

Paula and I have both felt this for the past several days and weeks. It comes in waves (these feelings) and when they hit, they hit hard.

Finally, today, Spirit Mother came to Paula and I. She came to Paula when we were out doing errands and said that she would know why things are the way the are - tonight. That was earlier today.

I heard the same from her throughout the day and she said that we would receive a very important message tonight. She emphasized - VERY IMPORTANT!

Paula received, just about an hour ago a message from Spirit Mother saying that there has been a lot of trouble in that place where we come from. She said that a lot of things were destroyed.

We'll keep you updated when we find out more.



What a difference a day can make :] Unfortunately, it's all about the pain this time.

Remember when we used to talk about that collapse in our earliest articles like "The Twin Flame Path?" Well, that collapse never ended. The collapse of the former self is an ongoing process. In fact, it is escalating to such painful agonizing proportions that Paula and I are just hanging on. All we have is our love and if we remember that, then we'll make it through this re-birthing.

This rebirthing, I have asked Protilius to speed up, because the longer it goes on, the worse it gets. One way I could describe it would be: It's like living your entire life - the good and the bad - and then having everything that you ever did wrong in the past, presented before you on a silver platter, for you to deal with and deal with - NOW!

I guess it could also be described as having your entire life played on a television screen - only, it is in reverse, like you do when you rewind a video tape or dvd. The closer I get to that original birthing date (the one where I was born incarnate) the faster things go. I can see where this is going and by 11/11/2009, it's all gonna be different.

Matter of fact, things already are different. I feel as though the universe is paving my way towards complete surrender. The more I try and make sense out of or fight this thing, the harder it gets. When I do fight it, like I did last night, oh boy, it gets bad.

I always try and stay in the positive while writing on this site. I prefer to inspire and enlighten. However, I also want to tell the truth close to the bone and keep it real as it can be and honest so that others on this path might pull a tid bit of advice from it. Problem is: it's a personal path and unique to each soul and not even I can give you that road map. Only YOU can find it.

So, on all levels, I feel the CRUSHING BLOWS of the universe dismantling the former self that was Brendan and I am nearing the passage of rebirth. Surrender to the spirit AT ALL LEVELS is iminent and to fight it, will destroy me. This is where I am at tonight. This is where Paula is at as well.

We'll continue growing the site when we can.



Hey, did anyone notice anything different about The Ten page?


It's still under construction so don't freak when you see things scattered about  ;)



Wahoooooo!!! Can ya feel it? It's all about the energy :)

I told Protilius, let's do this whole thing and let's do it in style!

Idagordava and Protharus, did you know that the both of you are our children at the soul level?

It's no wonder Idagordava looks just like Idavathian and Protharus like Protilius.


Shalena - Thanks for the great new story that you and Howard have shared.  You bring new energy and insight with your awesome Twin Flame story. 

What is more, you tackled race relations head on and put it out there like it really is. And, that is the way it is. I've been there - been bannished by the family for it  and looked at by society as if I had something to prove, when all I was doing was following my heart - just as you are :)

All we can do is tear the cover off of the book and find out what is inside. However, I must admit, I enjoy looking at the cover of the book as well as the story within.

In my 7/9/2009 journal entry I was contemplating what it would be like to Walk. At the time, my daytime job was sucking my energy and when my boss crossed the line with me, I told him to stick his job where the sun don't shine. So, I packed up, went home and meditated on the ordeal. I asked Protilius if I had done the right thing. He said, "just wait, you'll soon see."

An hour later, I was with Paula and we were laying in bed when somebody was knocking at the door - it was about 11:30AM. I got up to go see who and it was and found my boss along with one other friend/co-worker. I couldn't believe what I was seeing - it was a whole different person. My boss (the typical weeny that he is) looked scared all to hell. He started begging me to come back to work for him. Thought he was gonna cry for a minute there.

So, I told him how it was gonna be and had my schedule re-arranged right there on the spot. Now, instead of working 13 days in a row, I work a normal 5 day work week just everybody else.

What did I learn from "Walking?" Well, I never walked off of any job in my life because my Dad always told me, never to quit. However, this time, I just decided to jump without a parachute and let faith lead the way. And let me tell you - IT FELT GOOOOOD!!! In the end this was exactly how it was supposed to happen.

On another note: We hope you are enjoying the latest article called: "The Stages of Spirit Self." I'm getting ready to start working on Part 2 which will deal with the Higher Self. I am also re-working the Ten page. None of that info has been published to the web yet, but when it does, you'll know about it.

Well, Protilius and Idavathian have re-joined us inside and our days of visiting them at the palace are over for now. When we seek advice from them now, we have to feel them within - because they are literally walking in our shoes now.

One other thing - I reworked part 1 of the latest article - The Stages of Spirit Self. I think I could have elaborated a bit more on some of the info shared.

And Paula's higher self - Idavathian (her pic) can now be found on the Our Story page.

This is how Protilius appears to me with his trademark smirk. Be sure to check back here as this sketch will become a painting.