Mickeyren and Ed
From The USA
Originally Posted on 06/28/2008
Posted here on 1/8/2011
Your Twins name/nickname........Ed
I am a 39 year old woman, have been in a long term relationship for 5 years, and until recently worked as a nurse's assistant in an Alzheimer care facility for many years. Anyway, I was just going about my life, very routine, mostly happy until this past January, that's when I met my twin. Heck, I didn't even know what a twin soul was before that, but I knew something happened.
Here's where the judging comes in, and like I said, that's fine. My twin is 28 years older then me, has been married for 47 years, and has Alzheimer's disease. He entered the facility I worked at in January, he was combative, scared, confused, and completely out of control. All of my former co-workers were scared of him, he's a really big man. I remember that day vividly, my twin running up and down the hallways, cussing, kicking the walls, breaking a window, chasing people. I seen him running towards me, I'm a little woman, just 4'9", but I thought to myself, I'm too old for this, I'm not running away. I stood there, closed my eyes, and waited for what I thought would put me in a hospital. He ran right up to me, stopped, put his face right up to mine, and said "My baby! My baby!" as he wrapped his huge arms around me, lifted me off the floor and rocked me back and forth, back and forth. I looked into his sad eyes and it was as though I had known him my entire life. I felt every little ache and pain of his, every emotion he was feeling, I understood him. Well, as the days turned into weeks, my twin settled a bit (thanks to our pharmaceutical companies) but he was still reluctant to care from anyone but me. Eventually my boss moved him to my wing, and I took over caring for him. He let me help him to change clothes, he let me clean him, shave him, trim his nails, give him medicine, put him to bed, whatever he needed, he was at my side 8 hours a day. He hugged me often, he would kiss my forehead, hold my hand, tell me he loved me, call me his baby, and often we would just sit in the living room, his head on my shoulder, mine on his, content, happy. What I didn't realize was that my twin was not that way with anyone else, in fact, no one else could even understand a word he said, I guess I was reading what was in his mind when he needed something. I guess he acted really bad on my off days, always looking for me. Something happened between us, though. I just felt more and more connected to him, I thought about him on my off days and worried about him. Sometimes I swear I could feel his pain. I never had shoulder problems before we met, he has a bad shoulder, now I do, too. We got colds at the same time, we would sneeze at the same time, yawn at the same time, sit the exact same way, be in the same mood, have tummy problems at the same time, we even have the same birth mark under our left arms. We got very attached to each other. Everyone thought it was cute, even his wife, the most difficult resident tamed in my presence. So, the months went on, me and him loving each other, and we didn't care, nor did my boyfriend, his wife, or anyone else. It wasn't sexual or anything like that, just puppy love and everyone thought it was cute. In May a new nurse was hired. He didn't like my twin, my twin didn't like him. The new nurse thought my twin and I had a strange relationship, he said it wasn't appropriate and he called the corporate office and told on me. My boss had to suspend me, and investigate. They decided that it really was no big deal, that he only was happy and behaved when he was with me, but sense corporate was involved they had to do something...so they moved me to a different wing. The gossip started. No longer was our relationship cute, co-workers started to spread rumors, made it out as though we had some flaming hot romance going on. My twin began to act out, he missed me. He would not let anyone touch him. He began to have accidents, would not change clothes, would not clean up. He began pacing the building for hours everyday. Then he found me. He was sooooo happy to see me, he tried to pull me back to my old wing. I explained that I didn't work down there anymore, but he did not care. Each night he would find me and beg me to come with him. Each night the caregivers on my old wing would call me to come get him, said he was acting bad. I would calm him down, clean him up and take walks with him. One night a caregiver hurt my twin, she grabbed him, cut his arm a good 5 inches and bragged about it. I was furious! My twin was so scared, I kept him with me that whole night. The new nurse seen what happened, but instead reporting the girl who hurt him, he reported me for comforting him. I was fired. After 4 years of employment, I was fired. I could not believe it, I had only called in 3 times in 4 years, never was late, always picked up extra shifts, NEVER had a write up or complaint, but I was fired for caring about someone too much. In my heart, I know they were right, I loved this man a lot. We have a special connection, something I have never felt before. I can feel his pain, feel his emotions, understand him when no one else can. Well, two weeks go by and I get this frantic call from his wife. The facility I worked at kicked my twin out. He was going crazy, hitting people, cussing, throwing things, just like that first day. They wanted him to go to the psyche hospital. So the wife brought him to their house and called me. I went to their house and seen my twin after nearly two weeks. He was very happy to see me, and calmed down immediately. I asked him if he wanted to go for a ride, and he said yes. His wife drove, I sat in the back seat with my twin. I held his hand the entire way. When we got to the hospital, I helped him out of the car, he took my hand and we walked into the hospital. I sat with him while his wife filled out papers. Then it was time to take him into the ER. He would not go with the orderlies, he would not go with the wife. He just held my hand real tight and looked at me. They decided that I should take him back. So I asked him to walk with me, and he did. I took him to the little partitioned room and sat him on the stretcher. I held his hand while the doctor examined him. I held his hand while they took his BP, temp and pulse. I comforted him and held his hand while three different nurses tried to get blood samples. He doesn't have good veins, they poked him about 10 times. He hates doctors, hadn't had med's all day, had not eaten all day, and was agitated earlier at the facility, had punched a caregiver and choked another resident...but he was as good as gold for me. He let me hold him while they did what they had to do. His wife sat quietly in the back of the room. When the blood samples came back, HOURS later, it was time to take him upstairs and put him in the psyche ward. I asked my twin to come take a walk with me. He took my hand and we walked to psyche, we didn't use the gurney or a wheelchair, we just casually walked there. We were buzzed in. Then they told me to leave. The door had a glass window, my twin seen me walk away, abandon him. He freaked out. They grabbed him, and I had to turn away and leave. I could not watch it. I feel as if I betrayed my twin. I feel like I tricked him. He has been at the psyche ward for two weeks now, I visit him every other day. His health has declined, he doesn't know how to feed himself any more, he's lost a lot of weight, is scared of water, walks into walls, lays on the floor, is totally incontinent, angry, confused, scared. The doctor says he is at stage 5 out of 7, he will never go back to assisted living. He will remain in the psyche ward or go to a nursing home. He still responds to me, though. Whenever I go to see him his mood elevates. He smiles, laughs, hugs me, kisses me, tells me he loves me, says I'm his baby, but cries when it's time for me to go. We spend most of my visits cuddled up, holding onto each other for life, as though we will never see each other again, not in this life anyway. It's hard for me to admit, because I feel guilty about it, but I fell deeply in love with him. I think I fell in love with him back on that first day, back in January. I remember that day so well, I remember looking into his eyes and feeling as though I had known him forever. When we were together for all those months, I felt as though nothing could stop me, I felt so much love, and not just with him, but for so many others. He had such an effect on me that I wanted to make everyone feel happy and loved. I had such dreams at night, I would astral project and be with him, we telecommunicated all the time, we still do. I worry about him every second that I am not with him. I miss him. He doesn't have much time left, his disease is progressing very fast. I think we were brought together for a reason, for me to help him, for him to show me unconditional love. He loves ME, not for what I own or for how I look, he just loves me, and I feel the same about him. I am lucky to have met him, and that his wife and my boyfriend are understanding of our relationship, but I can't tell people he's my twin soul, they would commit me, too.
I went to the hospital today to visit my twin. When he spotted me he literally ran to me. He wrapped his arms around me and began to weep. He held me in his arms and cried for about 15 minutes. I asked the nurse if he was having a bad day, she said that he had seizures the day before and was sent down to the ER. He was alone and scared, I wish I had been there with him. We had a nice visit, the hardest part saying goodbye. Early this morning I was dreaming about him, before I went to see him. I seen him in a hospital gown, and I could actually taste strawberries and yogurt on his breath. When I seen him today, he was indeed wearing a hospital gown, his clothes were being washed. I guess it was no surprise that when lunch was served there was a cup of fresh strawberries and yogurt on his tray. I have never felt such a connection with a person before, it's truly amazing and my life has been forever changed by it. Losing my job hasn't even affected me the way I thought it would, the way it would have even less then a year ago. I have taken it as a sign, God kicking me in the butt to move forward. I am going to go to school either August 4th or September 29th and I am going to finally be certified, and not just as a CNA, but it also certifies you as a patient care tech, dialysis tech, EKG tech and phlebotomist. After applying for unemployment I was directed to a program through my state that pays for training. So everything does indeed happen for a reason...
In spite of this, we have connected on a soul level, and that in turn helps to confirm the existence of twin soul relationships. Is that the basic concept? Like I said, this is all very new to me. I just knew there was a special, spiritual connection between us that was different from any other connection I have experienced. For example, one day it was pointed out to me that my twin didn't communicate, I was stunned, because I always understood exactly what he said. Let me backtrack...one day I arrived at work early and my twin was very angry. I took him outside and I asked him what was bothering him. He told me that the night before a bunch of women had hurt him. He said that they came into his room while he was sleeping and tried to pull him out of bed. He didn't want to get up and resisted them. They proceeded to yell at him, kick him and punch him, and he was still upset and scared the next day. Well, when my shift was over I went to the break room to clock out, and the midnight shift was there waiting to clock in. They proceeded to tell me "You should have seen your boy last night, he was a mess, fighting to get up and get changed." I told them I already knew this and that I also knew that they had punched him, kicked him and yelled at him. They asked me who told and I said HE did. They didn't believe me, they said he doesn't communicate and they demanded to know who the "rat" was. I didn't know what to think, HE told me. I began to question other co-workers about his communication skills and they all told me the same thing, twin does not talk, he just stutters a few words. After that I was sure I was crazy and began to goggle words like soul mate, soul connection, etc, that is when I was directed to this forum, and thankfully so! I still have much to learn.
Today the wife called me to say that she talked to my Xboss, and she said that I could NOT come to the building to visit twin, company policy. That was a blow, it's had me in tears all evening. She says that she will bring him to their house soon and I can take him to the park down the road and walk with him. My twin loves to walk and run still, he used to do 5 miles a day up to 2 years ago. I began speed walking at the local high school track last week, I am only up to 2 miles. I want to be ready when she calls, my twin and I are going to go to that park...alone...no wife, no boss, no doctors, nurses or caregivers, and we are going to run! And be free!!!
Just wanted to give a little update on my twin: He was discharged from the psyche hospital last week and sent back to the Home. After just one week, the Home gave him a 30 day eviction notice. Then last night my twin was bad and punched a caregiver and another resident. The Home decided they wanted him out immediately and so the wife took him back to the psyche hospital. She says that she is fed up with him and will not go there to visit him until next week. I am going to go there tomorrow morning to see him, though, it's been about 12 days since I last seen him and I miss him so much. I had talked to a former co-worker earlier in the week and she said that my twin has been looking for me. The wife said the same thing. I hope he will be happy to see me, I know I will be happy! The whole situation is sad, but I am happy to be free to see him when I want again. (Hope that doesn't sound selfish, but I believe that is what HE wants, too.)
I really believe that he deliberately acted up to see me. A former co-worker said that twin was purposely walking into pillars head first and hurting himself. She told him that hurting himself would not make me come back. That night he punched the caregiver and beat up the other resident. I went to the hospital on Saturday to see twin. Usually the first thing he does is grab me and hug me. But on Saturday he had something to say first..."Where were you!" I told him that I was sorry but that they would not let me see him. "WHO?!" he demanded. I told him "the bosses". "Bunch of assholes" he replied. Then he grabbed me and hugged me for what felt like eternity. I also went to visit him on Sunday. He did something interesting, I thought. I have this necklace that has a smokey quartz crystal hanging from it, I have worn it every day for about five years now. He has always seen that on me. But he was attracted to it on Sunday. He kept taking hold of it and then he would kiss it. He did this several times. At one point we were walking up and down the hallways and he was holding onto it instead of my hand...glad it's on a long chain! Any ideas what that was about??? So everything was nice and I was feeling really uplifted and in high spirits until tonight. Again, I was talking on the phone to a former co-worker, and she proceeded to tell me the latest rumors about me. Evidently the marketing director from my former job had been at the hospital at the same time I was a few weeks ago, though I do not recall seeing her. Evidently she told the hospital staff about the relationship twin and I have and that I was fired because of it. She told them that we were having an affair. Then supposedly the hospital staff told her that twin and I lay in his bed with the door closed making-out. That is such a bunch of BS! His WIFE lays in his bed, even if he is walking the halls, his WIFE closes the door, she has told me this. But as far as the making-out goes...he DID try to kiss me in that way in front of the staff one day, but I didn't allow it. (I admit that later I let him kiss me for a second, but no one seen that.) So the rumors are out there once again, me and him a couple of freaks. I really wanted to go see him tomorrow, but now I am nervous. I hate to give in to people's judgements. It's just that if THIS place takes their gossip too far, I may not be allowed THERE to see him. But really, why should it matter if we kissed, I am not an employee there. People just assume I am pursuing him or taking advantage of him...but in reality, it has always been him that pursued me. I may not have stopped him, but I never have initiated things. Boy would I love to tell the world that I love how it feels when he hugs me, when he holds me tight in his arms, when we sit next to each other and cuddle, and yes, when I allowed that one kiss, it felt sweet and he literally took my breath away. But I can't tell anyone...so I am writing it here, where people might understand.
I went to that hospital four times this week, held my head up high, and just enjoyed my time with twin. Actually, it has been a bit of a roller coaster ride this week. I am happy to see him, but yet I cry after every visit. First, his health is declining so rapidly, he's so confused and "out there"...yet he continues to recognize me and respond to me. I have to feed him his whole meal now, he makes no attempt to feed himself. His gait is very unsteady. He has tremors now. He has lost a lot of weight...has gone from XL to medium in shirts, from 40 to 36 in pants. The second thing that upsets me so much is the abuse at this place. Not just towards twin, but to all the patients there. This poor lady was left in a "Geri chair" begging for water, I told the aids to give her a drink already...they don't like me very much. When I got to the hospital on Wednesday, my twin was bleeding from several parts of his body. His head was cut, his arms and hands had several skin tears on them, his face was black and blue, his legs were scratched up. I asked them if twin had fallen, or what?!...they didn't know. I really believe they had beat the crap out of him. I asked them to clean him up and bandage the cuts...they were put out that they had to work. I hate their attitudes, I was in tears. Poor twin was so meek and timid that day, I know he was beaten up. I told his wife, but she hasn't reported it, she thinks if she does that they will hurt him even more, I disagree, but I have to respect her wishes. I went to visit the wife today, she shared some old photo albums with me. I loved seeing pictures of twin when he was a teenager, and in his Navy uniform. He was and still is a very good looking man. Wife also gave me a picture to keep from 10 years ago when he was first diagnosed...been carrying it around with me all night.
It always amazes me how my twin's disease allows him to be uninhibited by things. He openly expresses his love to me without a care in the world as to what people think. In another thread Shadowalker said "there is nothing to be ashamed of about love". The staff at the psyche hospital try to make us feel ashamed, they laugh and snicker...the staff at my former job was the same way, that's why I was ultimately fired. Today while I visited twin I remembered those words...there is nothing to be ashamed of about love...thank you for reiterating this for me Shadowalker, it made my visit even more enjoyable then usual.
I thought this was so sweet...twin was missing me today, I haven't seen him in a few days because I started school. Anyway, he kept asking for me by name, so the wife used her cell phone and called me, she put twin on the phone. He said very clearly "Hi Shell. I miss you. I love you. Bye." Boy, that really made my day!!! I was so proud of him, too, for communicating so clearly. Wife then told me that he will discharged from the psyche hospital tomorrow and will be moving to a new Home. She asked if I could please meet them at the new Home to help make his transition easy and so he wouldn't feel scared. Of course I said yes! This Home is close to me and I will be able to see him any time. I really hope this new place works out...I am so happy for him!!!
I went to visit twin today, and really did have a nice visit. He was very happy to see me, very affectionate and loving. And he didn't give me a hard time when I left, but things went down from there. I guess he became very agitated, started knocking over furniture and hitting people. The new Home did not know how to deal with this behavior and called an ambulance, twin was sent off to the psyche hospital yet again. It's worse by ambulance, they have to restrain him. I asked the wife if she wanted me to go up there and try to calm him down, and she said if I want to go, then go, she's done with it. Well, I told her to call me if need be, but he has been drugged and restrained, so there was no point of me going. (Except that he would want me there.) I had a report to finish for school and I am suffering with an awful earache, so I stayed home, and I feel guilty. I also feel that maybe this was my fault? I only stayed for 2 hours today when I was visiting him at the Home. But again, I was feeling ill and had things to do. I wish I could stay there for hours and hours, but I just can't. Twin is very dependant upon me. He won't let anyone else shower him or shave him, not even his wife. He has wounds on his arm that have become infected, he won't let anyone clean them or change the bandages, just me. He won't let anyone but me clean and trim his nails. He feels safe with me and he trusts me. He tells me he loves me all the time. I love him, too, and I wish I could find a solution to all of this. I know he wants me there 24 hours a day, and it makes me sad that I can't do that for him. I just don't know what's going to happen now...I'm very sad...
First off, he has pneumonia. It's really taken a toll on him, too. He spent 8 days in the medical hospital, tied to a bed, and isn't any better then when he was admitted. Yesterday they transported Twin to a free-standing psyche hospital, they left him unattended, and he fell off the gurney and split his open. They had to transport him right back to the medical hospital ER to stitch him up and do a CT scan. Then today they transported him back to the psyche hospital. He was in one wing for a few hours, they decided it wasn't for him, and have already moved him to another wing. I visited him this evening. He isn't restrained at the wrists anymore, but he is confined to a Gerry chair. I really have to make the most out of my visits, because at this place visiting hours are only from 7 PM to 8 PM, and his wife will be visiting as well. We worked it out for the weekend...I will go on Saturday and she will go on Sunday. We both went tonight, together. She didn't want to sit by him, though, so I did. He smiled when he seen me and then just wrapped me into his arms. He told me he loved me. I kept asking the wife if she wanted to sit by him, she said no. When it was time to leave I hugged him and gave him a kiss, told him I loved him, the wife just told him bye. She is acting strange, like she doesn't care about him any more. She keeps saying she wishes he would die. Every time she says that I want to cry. He is declining so quickly, I think her wish may come true pretty soon. I am having a hard time coming to grips with it all. I just found him 8 months ago, and now he is going to die...it just breaks my heart. I'm not handling this very well
I am having a hard time typing, I can't seem to stop crying...but that was beautiful and I am honored that you have shared your song with me. Thank you for your kindness.
I seen Twin tonight...for the very first time, I don't know if he really recognized me. He said my name once (after I said it's me, Shell) and he only opened his eyes once, for about a minute or two, but he had that far away look to him. Can anyone explain this for me...either metaphysically or medically, or even just an idea...his eye color has changed these past few days. He always had dark brown eyes, now they are a pale blue/gray color. It's very strange, has anyone ever experienced this?
Also tonight I talked to Twins wife. She is giving me the most precious gift I could ever hope for. When Twin passes she is having him cremated. She said that she is going to have some of his ashes put into a locket for a necklace for me, so that he can always be near me. I know his soul will always be near me anyway, but I thought this was the most generous thing anyone has ever done for me. She is sharing him with me, how selfless and beautiful is that?! I know this may all sound morbid to some people, but for me, it is most comforting. Knowing that he will be physically with me, always, makes letting go just a smidgen easier.
I have been to the hospital to be with twin almost every day for the past week and a half, I've really been trying help him recover. I think today was awesome, I finally have seen progress. Let me back up a bit, though...I have learned something new today which really makes sense...evidently what set twin off 4 weeks ago was actually a mini-stroke. That is what made him behave so strangely and sent him to the first hospital, where he then developed the pneumonia. From that hospital he was sent to the psyche hospital, where he is today. He wasn't doing very good, in fact, they told us to prepare for him to die. I could not accept that and I was determined to help him. He wouldn't swallow food and could not walk, he just slept for that first week. But each day I begged the staff to let him stand up, and each day we added a step. Today was amazing, I was able to walk alone with him, he was steady. I walked just holding his hand, little baby steps, and he shuffles now, but he did it! We walked alone all around the wing, without a gait belt, without holding him up, without assistance from a staff member. He still is having trouble swallowing, but if you are patient and work with him, he will eat. He still doesn't do well with very solid food, but he can eat ice cream, yogurt, bananas, pudding, jello, applesauce, mashed potatoes...and that's what I keep emphasizing to the staff. The staff at this hospital has been wonderful. I don't think he would have done so well any where else. Twin is being discharged from the psyche hospital on Monday or Tuesday, he has to move to a nursing home. Unfortunately, this has initiated a whole new set of problems. His profile was sent to 23 nursing homes, 21 of them rejected him because he can be combative. So, it's down to two choices...number one is very far away, but it's a real nice place. Number two is around the corner from me, a 5 minute drive, but it's not such a nice place. They have been in the news a lot lately for abuse. Ultimately, it's the wife's decision, of course. She needs to make up her mind by Monday morning. I don't want her to make her choice based on convenience for me, I want what is best for twin, but she seems to think that what is best for twin is for me to be able to visit him often. Last night she said this to me "I don't know if you realize this, but ___ really loves you, and when I say he loves you, I mean he really loves you." That made me feel good. I just want twin to be okay, he's so young still, well, 68, but that's too young to go as far as I am concerned.
Well, that's about all I have for now, but I will continue to update and I will let you know where he is going to live next. Thank you all for your inquiries and continual support.
My poor twin...
I went to visit twin at the new nursing home on Wednesday morning, he had just moved there Tuesday afternoon. He was asleep when I got there, so I just sat next to him. Eventually twin woke up, seen me, and was soooo happy. I got him up, cleaned him, put some clothes on him, and sat him down to feed him some breakfast. He was doing real good, chewing his food up and swallowing, and then it all went bad...he had a seizure. It was the scariest thing I have ever seen. His face turned red, his eyes rolled to the back of his head, his body stiffened up, then he began convulsing, foam and drool came out his mouth, and then he blacked out. While it was happening I called and called for help, finally someone strolled in and said yeah, he's seizing, and left...they just left me there with him alone...for 45 minutes. Well, I know that you really can't do anything for a person who is having a seizure, but he had food in his mouth and I was terrified that he might choke to death. When the nurse finally came back, she said that she had called the doctor, who was in the building, and that the doctor said that he highly doubted that twin had a seizure. I told that nurse that he did have one, she seen it, and that he had a history of seizures and was taking two anticonvulsant's. She said no he isn't, I said yes he is, Depakote and Kepra...she said no he isn't! ARGH!!! Somewhere along the way this past month or so, being shuffled from hospital to hospital, home to home, he was taken off his seizure med's. They did find his medical history papers, though, and drew some blood to perform a few lab tests. Thursday the wife called me to say that they (the doctors) are saying yes, he had a seizure, the labs came back confirming that his levels for the anticonvulsant's were very low, and that they were going to start a new med. Also, they tell her that twin is too much for them to handle and that she needs to get him out of there, and until she can find him another nursing home they will have to keep him sedated 24 hours a day. Okay...but does it end there??? Today I get a call, well, really several calls, from his wife saying that she just got word that twin had another seizure and had fallen and cracked his head open and she was meeting the ambulance up at yet another hospital and she would keep me informed. As tonight has progressed I have got another call saying he also split his lips up and he has teeth missing, he needs to be stitched up, then another call saying he swallowed his teeth and they need to do an X-ray to make sure he hadn't inhaled them into his lungs, that would put him at risk for pneumonia...AGAIN! Then I receive yet another call saying he fractured his neck and they need to do a MRI. What's next?!?! How much hell does my poor twin need to go through? I am so frustrated and angry right now that I have made myself sick. I'm going to go lay down for a bit and try to calm myself down..
I'm sad to say, but this afternoon my twin soul died. His name was Ed, and he was the sweetest man I have ever known. He had a rough life this past year, so misunderstood, mistreated, abused, restrained, treated as though he were a monster. But he wasn't...he was gentle and kind, very loving and affectionate, and he had the most beautiful soul I have ever known. I miss him already. I'll write more about his death (cause) later, I just wanted to let you all know, you have been so supportive and kind and I don't even have the words to say how grateful I am for this forum and it's members.
Love always, Mic
I was to the nursing home almost everyday last week to be with Ed. On Wednesday he was found laying on his floor bleeding...again. Some how he had pierced his earlobe and split it completely in half. They were afraid he might get an infection and began antibiotics. But that didn't keep him down. On Thursday we walked for a couple of hours and he ate real good for me. On Friday he slept all day, but he was still okay. Saturday was strange. Ed couldn't really walk, he was weak and a bit feverish, he would not eat much, but his breathing was still normal. This morning we got a call from hospice, they said his fever spiked to 105 and that he was having difficulty breathing, they put him on oxygen, he was very congested. I don't believe he had a fever from the cut on his ear, it was healing. He must have developed an upper respiratory infection. I say this because I have one, too, and it came on just as fast last night/today. Fever, tightness in the chest, it's hard to breath, but I'm young and healthy otherwise. For him, being in such a weakened state to begin with, it was what took his life. Especially the fever, they could never get it to break, it was steady at 105 until he passed. It's sad, though, that his wife and I were there all day, and just after we left he died. We both had just arrived at our homes, turned around and went right back. It was almost unbelievable, because he still was very warm...probably because his body temp was so high all day? I don't know. I stayed quite a while, but left when the call was made to come take his body. I have seen this before where I worked, the body of a beautiful human disposed in a bag, there is no way I could have been there to see that.
I remembered something Dotty had wrote before, how nice it felt to wear/sleep in twins T-shirt. I asked Ed's wife if it would be alright to take one of his shirts, she didn't question me, she said go right ahead. I took the shirt he had on yesterday, I'm wearing it right now. I can still smell him on it, and it's a small comfort to me. The wife isn't having a service for Ed, he is going to be cremated. she told me again that she would have some of his ashes put into a locket for me, so that he can always be with me. I know that he will be anyway, but this, too, is comforting.
Ed was a special man. He was so misunderstood by people, but I knew him differently. I often had a hard time believing the things others said he did, like hitting and being mean. He never did that in front of me, not once. He always hugged me and called me his baby, he always kissed me and held my hand. He always told me he loved me. To me Ed was gentle, just a big teddy bear. I called him my Eddy-Bear, I called him Dad, I call him my twin.
Here is a poem one of Mic's friends sent to her after the passing of Dear Ed. I love this.
To Those I Love
If I should ever leave you.
Whom I Love
To go along the silent way ...
Nor speak of me with tears.
But laugh and talk of me.
As If I were beside you there.
(I'd come..I'd come. Could I but find a way!
But would not tears and grief be barriers?)
And when you hear a song
Or see a bird I loved.
Please do not let the thought of me
Be sad.. for I am loving you
Just as I always have.
You were so good to me!
There are so many things.
I wanted still to do.
So many things I wanted to say to you.
Remember that I did not fear.
It was just leaving you
That was so hard to face.
We cannot see beyond
But this I know.
I loved you so.
Twas heaven here with you!
-Isla Paschal Richardson
This was read by Gregory Peck at Frank Sinatra's funeral 1998
Note from Paula and Brendan: Shell, thanks for the story. I read all 33 pages twice in the past week. Your story will forever go down in the twin flame romances of all time. I want people to see that the universe has it's own purpose and not our own. You are an amazing woman and we love you.
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